on 12/2/2008 6:26:48 AM
I wrote most of this story, but I can't quite get it to feel all that funny or interesting... I'm gonna post it here for now as sort of an outtake... but maybe revise it later for a main page story.
A strange phenomenon has been spreading across the United States this fall and it's not another 'Dancing with the Stars' season though it has caused just as many deaths. Acorn watchers, who have perhaps the lamest hoby of anyone ever, have noticed that there simply are no acorns in trees or on the ground. 0" sty
"They're all gone, as if stolen in the night be gypsies," said botanist Harold Garyson. "Except this couldn't be the work of gypsies, it's too absurd for that."
Squirrels have noticed this too and have become more aggressive in their search for food, many times even attacking small animals like pigeons or chipmunks or Emanuel Lewis in a last ditch effort to avoid starvation. In one reported case, an entire mini-horse was pulled into a squirrel hole and devoured alive.
"Squirrels are usually docile creates, attacking only when gouged with a pointy stick or driven over by a car," said squirrel expert and former Taco Hut manager Allen Harrison, who is confident he will be cleared of all arson charges toward his former employer. "It would take a massive global event to make them change their behavior like this... something akin of losing their entire food source."
Conventional science, which can be considered shoddy at best and Satanic at worst, points to an overly wet springtime which may have washed away all the pollen that would lead to acorns being produced or some sort of insect damage caused by moths or even Mothera herself.
We here at Smooth Operator know better than to believe such logic based in scientific reasoning and years of research by highly educated individuals who probably paid attention in school rather than getting high on Elmer's glue and passing out in a pool of vomit and glue. Obviously the culprit is none other than Kevin Federline, former backup dancer turned celebrity husband turned loving father / giant turd. He did <article.aspx?newsnum=998>steal all the bees</a> in 2007 after all... stealing all the acorns shouldn't be much of a stretch.
K-Fed likely stole all the acorns to deprive the world of acorn pie, a dish he loathes but his mother makes for every birthday.
"I hate acorn pie you dumb hoe," K-Fed probably said to her before going to his room to cry and begrudgingly eat his pie.
By stealing all the acorns, there would be no way that Mother K-Fed could make this pie and she might even make grape pie, which K-Fed loves.
"Grape pie is all up in this place," he would probably say.
on 12/2/2008 6:28:45 AM
Re-reading it today, it's not as bad as I thought yesterday... I'll probably revisit this later this week... maybe after a few dozens beers.