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Religious Offerings for Volcano God Pete Must be Carefully Monitored
by Kris on 4/24/2007 (3)

That's one angry volcano!
Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, Hawaii - Rangers at Hawaii Volcanoes National Park are launching a program to stop people from leaving religious offerings at the summit of Mount Kilauea for fear that it could grant the volcano god Pete immense strength that would spell doom for the entire globe.

"Before Pete was trapped in the volcano, he roamed the globe casting plagues and poxes upon her people," said park ranger Dave. "If you were a fan of plagues and poxes, it was a good time to live, but most people were not."

Studies from that time period indicated that 55% of people were against plagues and poxes together while individually 75% of people were against plagues and 60% of people were against plagues.

Visitors leave 45 pounds of offerings each week, including flowers, bottles, money, incense, bees, candles and crystals, park rangers say. The right amount of offerings keeps Pete happy and prevents him from reining fire down upon the villages below. Too many offerings would make him powerful enough that he could escape his volcanic prison and cause global destruction.

"It’s like a tight rope act," said ranger Dave. "If you tie the rope too tight, it snaps and the performers die, if you tie it too loosely, it sags and the performers die. And even if you do tie it just right, the performers might still fall and die."

Park Superintendent Cindy Orlando said the park must do everything in its power to keep Pete happy but still trapped.

"Everyone is fucked if he gets out," said Cindy. "I'm not kidding, Pete's really pissed off after being trapped in a Volcano for a thousand years."

Pete routinely ranks in the Forbes Top 100 Most Vengeful Gods for his many firestorms and droughts. Island natives are deathly afraid of Pete but enjoy the money from tourism his antics bring. Because of Pete, Mount Kilauea has been in continuous eruption since 1983, which draws in thousands of visitors each year. Many of these visitors purchase one or more of the assorted gifts the island natives sell, such as tiki dolls or Volcano God Pete Monopoly.

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1. by Blue Golden on 4/25/2007 1:04:17 PM
The name is PELE not Pete.......who is going to believe the rest of your information if you get the Gods name wrong......isplay: </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by Kris on 4/25/2007 3:12:06 PM
Pele was a soccer player."0" style= </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by Mark on 4/30/2007 2:27:42 AM
Pele is a WOMAN Stupid!!"0" style=" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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