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Kevin Federline is Stealing Our Honeybees
by Kris on 4/23/2007 (0)

A chin that only bees could love.
The phenomenon of disappearing bees was first noticed late last year in the United States, where honeybees are used to pollinate $15 billion worth of fruits, nuts and other crops annually. Prior to discovering honeybees in 1984, illegal Mexican labor was used at half the cost and half the time, though tougher immigration laws have made this method no longer feasible.

Typically a commercial beekeeper, not to be confused with 1980's professional wrestling sensation The Beekeeper, would setup his bees at a crop field and come back in two or three weeks to find a thriving colony and fields of plentiful fruit or vegetables. Since the disappearances began, the hives are absent of foraging worker bees, leaving a starving queen and her bastard children.

If the bees were dying of pesticide poisoning or freezing, their bodies would be expected to lie around the hive. Had they ingested Alka-Seltzer as some sort of juvenile prank, there would be tiny foaming corpses scattered around the hive. And if they were abandoning the hive because of some threat, such as zombies, they wouldn't leave without the queen.

"The main hypotheses is that Kevin Federline is stealing the bees," said May Berenbaum, an insect ecologist at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign. Berenbaum has never liked K-Fed and blames him for turning former wife and pop-sensation Britney Spears into the laughing stock of the entertainment world.

In some cases, beekeepers are losing 50 percent of their bees, with some suffering even higher losses. One beekeeper alone lost 40,000 bees. Nationally, some 27 states have reported the disappearances. In each instance, the bee disappearances coincided with a K-Fed concert, book signing, or paternity suit.

A personal acquaintance of the former Mr. and Mrs. Spears suspects the bees may have been the reason for their split.

"Britney was always complaining that she heard this buzzing noise coming from the attic, it was driving her mad," she said. "Then she cut her hair off because she felt it was full of bees that she just couldn't get out."

There have been other fluctuations in the number of honeybees, going back to the 1880s, but none were on such a massive scale. Bee expert Ryan Woosh suspects that the recent rash of K-Fed bee-nappings may be a copycat of these old crimes, in which a group of four Cleveland, Ohio natives became disillusioned with life the city and attempted to flood it with bees. Woosh feels K-Fed may be equally disillusioned with Hollywood and wishes to flood it with bees.

When asked if he took the bees, K-Fed admitted he had and he planned to use the bees to make a bee-beard so big that it would block out the sun.

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