Rules for the Senate Judiciary Committee Interview of Rove and Miers Leaked
1. | Interviews will be held in secret, behind closed doors. There will be no transcripts or recordings. However, Senators may doodle discretely. | 2. | Respondents will respond to all questions in Serbo-Croatian, or a personally-devised langauge that sounds like Serbo-Croatian. No Serbo-Croatian translators are allowed inside the chamber, or within a 25-mile radius. | 3. | Senators must bow and say "Mother May I" before addressing Ms. Miers. Senators may not refer to Mr. Rove as "Your Rotundity." | 4. | Senators are forbidden to ask the Respondents any of the following questions: | What is your full name? | | What do you know about the topic of this investigation? | | What year was the Treaty of Lucarno? | | If you could be a tree, which sort of tree would you be? | | Does the President have a secret plan for taking over the world? | | Who would win a duel between Chuck Norris and Skeletor? Oh, really? | | Are you guilty of pressuring federal prosecutors to target Democrats before the last election? | | Is you is or is you ain't my public servant? | | Where were you on the night of June 4, 1991? | | Hey, sugar - you datin? | | 5. | Respondents will not be required to tell the truth, only something that approaches truthiness. Any incriminating testimony will be assumed to be sarcasm, and taken to mean its precise opposite. | 6. | Requirements for Individual Senators: | Senator Specter must sing "I'm a Little Teapot," with full body motions, before questioning can begin. | | Senator Leahy is not allowed to look directly at Ms. Miers. He must stand with his face to the wall during all questioning, arms akimbo. | | Senator Kennedy may sleep throughout the procedings. If he were to awaken, we would all vanish with his dreams. | | Senator Hatch is not allowed to use his invisibility cloak. He knows why. | | Senator Biden is required to chop down the tallest tree in the forest - with a herring. And then he must bring a shrubery. No: two shrubberies! | | 7. | Mr. Rove is not required to wear clothes. No mention is to be made of this fact. | 8. | Green Room Requirements: | Four ham sandwiches; fresh homemade potato chips | | Six diet cokes | | Three pounds of M&Ms with ALL blue M&Ms removed. Any appearance of a blue M&M will be grounds for a National Security Letter. | | Seven hard-boiled eggs; two soft-boiled eggs; 19 devillled eggs; one raw egg | | One bottle of Jim Beam | | Two loaded Gameboys | | Music CDs: Innagodadavida; Hair; Deep Purple; Bush; Best of Britney | | Video: Girls Gone Wild XIII -- Anne Coulter Bares All |
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