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Man Builds Computer That Beats Dolphins at Checkers
by Kris on 3/22/2007 (0)

Smartest mammal no more!
Hangover, Maine - For years the question has loomed in the back of man's mind, has machine finally surpassed dolphin as the world's smartest mammal? Maine's fifth leading marine biologist took just that question to heart and developed the world's first computer program to answer what is widely considered the greatest unknown question in the field.

Using an old Compaq Presario and knowledge of the Java programming language he picked up while on a mountain trek through the Andes, marine biologist Albert Prince developed what is perhaps the world's smartest checker simulator created in under three hours. Prince named the computer Deep Beige, in honor of the color of the computer's case and his own love for stupid names.

The most daunting task proved to be how to interface the simulator so that the dolphins could play too. This was a task so difficult it took nearly thirty minutes to complete. Prince tried all manners of interface, from keyboards to mice to voice recognition technology, before stumbling across a method that worked.

"The final solution turned out to be quite ingenious, so ingenious that only I could have possibly conceived it," said Prince, never one to shy away from tooting his own horn unless it was during rush hour when it would draw the ire of the other commuters. "The dolphins wouldn't used the traditional methods of interface, so I though to myself 'What do dolphins use?' This lead to me developing an elaborate system of balls, dead fish, and flaming hoops that can determine without a shadow of a doubt the move a dolphins wants to make."

The final result of the testing, Deep Beige won seven games, dolphins won two, ultimately proving that the modern day computer has surpassed the dolphin. Scientist worldwide agreed that this officially makes the computer the smartest mammal alive.

"It's a wonderful achievement that someone has created a program that can defeat a sea-fairing mammal at a game that is equal part skill as it is chance," said Checker Grandmaster Brian Shoe. "Now if only they could develop a fishing net that could catch more of these horrible creatures, the ocean would once again be a safe place for our children to live."

What could possibly be next for a mind as brilliant as Prince, a mind so brilliant that scientists at MIT have offered Prince $1,000,000 for his brain?

"First I will be collecting my Nobel Peace Prize," he said. "Then, I aim to build a computer that can beat whales at Parcheesi. It's about time someone knocks the world's largest fish down a peg or two."go./tds/go.php?si

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