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Scooter Libby Found Guilty, Ecstatic About Future at a Minimum-Security Facility
by Kris on 3/6/2007 (0)

Proof that sometimes, if you lie hard enough, dreams do come true.
Washington - Former White House aide Lewis “Scooter” Libby has been found guilty of obstruction of justice, making a false statement to FBI agents, and two counts of perjury. Charges of driving through a Wendy’s drive thru naked were dismissed as baseless but still very funny.

Libby, 56, faces a maximum sentence of 25 years in a plush minimum-security prison that would make any hobo jealous.

Libby would be confined most of the day in a four room, 1.5 bathroom suite. The suite is made up of a bedroom with master bathroom, a study, a formal dining room equipped to entertain as many as 16 people, a living room complete with a wood fireplace, and a second half-bathroom for guests.

Once a day Libby would be allowed to roam the apple orchards surrounding the prison, use the exercise equipment, or just lounge around the Olympic sized swimming pool. Once a week Libby will be allowed to visit local tourist attractions such as the beach, the park, and the museum. Twice yearly Libby would be allowed to leave the prison for a tropical destination of his choosing on the America taxpayer’s dime.

It is estimated that it will cost $3,000 a day to house Libby. This amount includes costs for HDTV broadcasting, high speed Internet access, professionally prepared meals, and all the on-demand porn a former White House aide could ever hope for.

Ted Wells, Libby's defense attorney, said he would not file a motion for a new trial, or appeal the conviction. Libby was reportedly ecstatic at the notion of being moved to this prison, calling it “a dream come true”.

After the verdict was read, Libby was fingerprinted and released on his own recognizance. He is reportedly packing his things now in preparation for his big move. Those close to Libby revealed that he is planning to throw a dinner party at his suite once he is fully settled in.

The White House issued a statement that President Bush watched the verdict and was saddened that he couldn’t go to prison too.h="00" hei

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