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Santa Practices Discrimination Against the Poor
by Kris on 12/30/2006 (7) 
 | | Friend to all? Not exactly. | | While no one outside of Alabama disputes the fact that Santa Clause delivers toys to good girls and boys, recent allegations have arisen once again this Christmas that Santa is more kind to children of well to do families.
"Children of well to do families will often find expensive items like iPods, Playstation 3's, and designer clothing while children of poor families often times receive no more than some used dolls or action figures and maybe a couple loosing lottery tickets," said leading Santa analyst Geoffrey Lion.
This past Christmas, Santa brought 12 year old Bobby Jones, whose parents own the successful chain of blender rental stores Blend-2-Own, a PlayStation 3, Nintendo Wii, a four pound nugget of solid gold, and the entire isle five of the local Toys R Us. In contrast, 10 year old Sally Peterson, whose parents collect pop cans from various garbage receptacles around town, received a pair of used socks, a headless Barbie doll, and a half-drank pint of rum.
The exact reason for this practice, which has been well documented over the past twenty years in a series of post-it notes stuck to the walls of the residence of Mr. Lion, is not fully known but there are a two leading theories, both of which we will now mention.
"It may be that Santa has realized that rich kids are more likely to grow up to be rich, influential citizens," said Lion. "By getting the children in his back pocket now, Santa will have their support should he need it down the road, perhaps for some sort of power-grab where Santa will attempt to take control over an impoverished third-world country or mega-cooperation."
 Experts fear that with so many people that could be under his influence in many high ranking positions, Santa could start a worldwide cult to do his bidding, who's evil deeds could range anywhere from delivering toys to good girls and boys to stockpiling nuclear arms for sale to the highest bidder. This cult would likely then drink some sort of poisonous Kool-Aid that would be delicious but also instantly wipe out an entire generation of the world's population.
The second theory is that Santa simple hates poor people. Well, maybe hate is too strong a word since he does still give them presents, but he definitely likes them a lot less.
"Obviously to run the kind of operation that Santa does making toys for the entire world's population of children, he must be very rich," suggested Lions. "And much as how dogs hate beavers or cats hate the Dutch, rich people simply tend to hate poor people."
It may be because many believe people are poor simple because they don't work hard or have crippling gambling/cocaine/glue-sniffing addictions. Or maybe it's the fact that poor people that live on the street and don't shower smell a little rank. Or that they just don't leave out as many cookies for the man in red. No one knows for sure so any speculation on the reason why is valid and the wilder the speculation, the more likely it is to be true.
Santa and his representatives have declined to comment on this issue, choosing to let it fester for another year when he will undoubtedly again slight the poor for reasons we may never know.
"Santa has a long hist
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