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Mysterious Blanket Of Frozen White Matter Smothers Northeast U.S., Millions Panic
by Mark on 12/9/2006 (0)

The icy desolation of ignorance
(AP) A blanket of mysterious, white fluffy frozen matter drifted down from gray skies early Saturday, causing panicked millions to flee indoors and seek heat and shelter from the frigid cold.

"It appears to be a powdered, crystallized form of common water, H20." Speculated NASA scientist Dana Armstrong. "My cursory hypothesis is that the normal terrestrial water cycles of evaporation and subsequent condensation in the form of rain somehow became frozen. We think that the 23 degree axial tilt of the earth may have something to do with the phenomena, but we aren't sure yet. We'll release more information as it comes in."

Traffic in several northeast states came to a virtual standstill as whorling torrents of the alien material reduced visibility and road traction, causing drivers to skid and careen wildly out of control. Heaps of the mysterious frozen matter accumulated into sand like drifts, clogging thoroughfares, culverts, driveways and airport runways.

"We've already declared a state wide emergency." Declared a visibly agitated and shaken New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. "Our first priority is to keep people from freezing to death, and to insure that food and water supplies are not disrupted. I've already contacted FEMA to see if we qualify for emergency Federal aid, and hope to hear back from Washington in the next 24 hours. Until then, we will provide all of the services we possibly can under the circumstances. Until then, we urge everyone to stay in their homes and keep warm any way they can."

Beleaguered residents fought back the burgeoning, drifting dunes with hoes, rakes and even their bare hands in a mostly futile attempt to clear pathways to and from their houses and vehicles. Bursting water mains, downed power lines and intermittent communications earmarked an overall scene of disorganized chaos.

Scientists in Switzerland, having had apparent experience with the odd phenomena, were eager to offer helpful suggestions. "If you pour common table salt on it, it will melt." Offered Bern physicist Hans Krebbs. "It is imperative to drive slowly, and clear your vehicle's windows of all frozen material and debris. Wear thick, layered clothing and a hat to insulate and conserve heat. Gloves are useful in keeping the fingers warm. It is our observation that this phenomena should come to an end in March or April, so while this is not an event of devastating proportions, there are still 4 months or so to go, and appropriate measures should be enacted accordingly."

An emergency Press release from the White House urged calm, and promised an investigative committee would be formed in the following weeks to study the phenomena and advise on course of actionone">

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