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Salvation Army not actually an Army
by Kris on 12/16/2002 (0)

Actual photograph of children laying on a Salvation Army logo.
It is the Christmas season and no doubt you have seen the many people from the Salvation Army standing outside of stores, ringing their bells and asking for donations. Many people donate money, but few realize where their donations actually go. The name Salvation "Army" implies that it is some sort of military unit, but this is couldn't be further from the truth... well, I suppose it could be further from the truth, but it's not.

"I always assumed it was some sort of International Space Army" said one confused donator. "I thought my money was going to fund a war on the Martians and help save Earth."

"I too thought it was going towards stopping the Martians," said the confused donator's brother, "I really hate those Martians."

While stopping the Alien menace isn't necessarily the goal of the Salvation Army, they still have noble duties. According to their website, the Salvation Army is "an international movement, is an evangelical part of the universal Christian church. Its message is based on the Bible. Its ministry is motivated by the love of God. Its mission is to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ and to meet human needs in His name without discrimination." Donations that you make will be put towards helping the needy and less fortunate, spreading religion, and efforts for disaster relief... or so we assume.

The more typically view of an Army.
So if these are the goals of the Salvation Army, why do we consider them an army? Webster's Dictionary defines an army as "a large body of people organized and trained for land warfare". From these statements, it is quite clear that the Salvation Army engages in no such land warfare, or air warfare, or sea warfare, or space warfare! The Salvation Army has no tanks, no bomber planes, no nuclear weapons, and no attack submarines. So why do we call it the Salvation Army? Dr. Bob McBob has his own theories on this issue.

"I have my own theories on this issue," commented Dr. Bob McBob.

Others were more forthcoming in why the name was used. "I suspect it is because they are some sort of secret government army operating out of Area 51 with the intentions of using the DNA off of the cash donations to create a super race of kind people who give out money to the less fortunate," said local man Steve Smith. Mr. Smith was later arrested for shooting his rifle at the moon after claiming the moon had destroyed the sun, forcing us to live in perpetual darkness where we would soon be eaten by rabid watermelons with two brains.

"In the early days of the Salvation Army, they were in fact an army," claimed another local man. "They were created in the late 60's as a secret organization to put an end to the Communist threat. They were trained in the art of professional wrestling and a single troop of the Salvation Army could take out six commie bastards with a single steel chair! But due to the end of the Cold War and copyright issues with many small wrestling promotions and later the WWF, the Salvation Army moved away from being a wrestling army to being a nonprofit organization." This local man was also arrested for shooting at the moon, and later again for attacking a police horse because it wouldn't tell him the name of the eighth President of the United States of America.

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