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Man Living In Anytown, USA Bombarded With Mail
by Kris on 11/29/2006 (0)

Is that a huge pile of mail or are you just happy to see me?
Anytown, USA - Bob Hanson has the kind of life most Americans desire. He has an attractive wife that had never been nor never will be a man, the nation average of 1.5 children, a house with a white picket fence protected by robot guard dogs that shoot bees from their mouths when they bark, and a good paying job selling used kitchen appliances to blind people who don't know they are buying used. Yet Bob lives his life in constant anguish because of a problem so terrible that it can only be adequately explained in the following twelve paragraphs.

"How could I be happy when I am constantly barraged by this?" Bob said, holding up a garbage bag full of today's mail. Not only is the amount of mail so immense that it's shear volume scares small children, but also the penmanship on most is sub par at best, almost like it was written by elementary school children as part of some sick and twisted school project.

A study in the early 1980's revealed that nearly half of all adults were unaware of how to use the postal system and one quarter of adults were totally unaware of it's existence. Fewer than three in one hundred adults knew what a zip code was and only one of those three knew all five digits of theirs. While clearly the current generation was lost, inevitably forced to live a bleak existence of smoke signal communication and horrible 1980's fashion, the US government took a stand and made it a requirement of public schools that they must teach future children how the mail system works.

New textbooks flowed to schools, mass-produced by thousands of underpaid Mexican child laborers who had no idea that their three pesos a day would one day cause the kind of hurt illegal immigration could only dream of. Textbook publishers nearly unanimously agreed to use "123 Anystreet, Anytown USA" as their example address. Had they done some research instead of blinding leaping forward like a zombie Ray Charles in a trampoline-jumping contest with the prize being human brains, they would have realized that this was a real address, occupied by a real person, with real feelings.

"It's horrible, I spend an hour or two each day sorting through my mail to find out what's real and what's garbage," said Bob. "Instead of seeing my children, my wife, or my mistress, I'm sorting through mail."

This has been going on since the mid-1980 and shows no sign of stopping. Because of it, Bob has lost countless hours of his life and nearly lost his job, his family, and his passion for drawing caricatures of political figures water-skiing in space. A lesser man would throw in the towel and move elsewhere, or possibly just go crazy and murder his family, but Bob is no such lesser man nor does he have the gull for a murderous rampage the likes of which hasn't been seen since Godzilla ran rampart on Tokyo in 1984.

"I refuse to give in to the evils of the United States Postal System," proclaimed Bob at a gay pride rally he had inadvertently signed up to speak at earlier this week. This proclamation was followed by widespread confusion by the crowd and later an apology by the United States Postal System for their anti-homosexual practices.

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