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The Petered Power Of Pickled Perception
by Mark on 11/13/2006 (0)

Peetering on the brink of pickled perception
A candid study conducted by Klumpf University involved showing a randomly selected audience a brief movie clip of a car driving over a cliff, and then crashing into a valley below. In reality, the car was empty, but viewers were told that someone was inside the car, and was killed. They were then asked to profile the car's occupant, and describe in detail what possibly could have motivated them to drive off the cliff in the first place. Here are the surprising results

Otto, bus driver: "Whoa, man! That was intense! That dude must have been on crystal meth, or acid or sumthin', man! Weed won't do that to a guy. Probably acid. One time I jumped off a two story roof because I thought I heard Johnny Carson telling me to. It was acid for sure, man! Did I mention that was intense? Whoa!"

Bernice Barrows-White, avowed feminist: "I see this poor soul as an embattled member of Femdon, beaten down by an abusive male, probably a drunken husband, who drove her to murder him. She defended herself, and she knew she would pay the price because society is male dominated, and the males would lock her away forever. She took the only way out, the way to freedom, just like in the movie Thelma and Louise, and drove off the cliff! I blame males, evil, evil, smelly revolting, hairy males! *SOB*!"

Arkisha Watts, attorney: "This was obviously a case of a strong sister, a strong, strong black sister, who refused to let The Man beat her down! She refused to give in, and stay in her place. She fought, determined to rise, rise rise, and capture the prize that God promised her! In the end, The Man, determined to crushgroove her spirit, chased her down and drove her off the cliff, and she still died strong with a smile anyhow! Amen!"

Chester, San Francisco sour dough baker: "This was obviously a tortured gay man who wasn't able to marry his lover because of the religious right, was unable to cope, and ended his life. When are people just going to let people be who they are, and express their love in a legally binding ceremony? *SOB*!"

Junichiro Yamato, engineer: "Hai! This is poor stupid American driving junk American car! Brakes fail, he go over cliff, he get what he deserve! Never happen in Toyota. Hai!"

Tom Cruise, actor/scientologist: "This is clearly a case of a young women, probably an actress or model, who was on anti-depressants. She should have been on vitamin therapy and meditation instead. When are these stupid people going to learn that anti-depressants aren't designed to treat depression?! And ultra-sounds. They should have given her lots and lots of ultra-sounds too, even at home!"

Larry "Bud" Melmen, Shell auto mechanic: "I seen this many times before...probably got her GPS calibrated wrong, routed her right off a cliff. Dumb asses and their Mercedes and such. Coulda been the calipers, or the throttle. Wouldn't have happened if I serviced the car. Cheap junk Japanese parts!"

Belinda Krale, self-professed liberal activist: "This is the result of life in a Nazi governed America. I smell a conspiracy here! Now that Nancy Pelosi is speaker, our brothers and sisters will rise up and retake America from the Bush fascists, and freedom and justice will ring true for all, even if we have to crack them over the skull to get it! Justice for all! By bullets or ballots, that's what I say!"

Pat Robertson, TV evangelist: "Well, in my years, I've seen this time and time again. A poor, wretched, stinking, rotten, and

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