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Ten Steps to Having Better Conversations
by Kris on 10/7/2006 (1) 
How many times have you tried to talk to someone, anyone, and realized that it just isn't working? The art of speaking to people isn't as easy as it sounds, it takes years of practice, eight hours each day. But luckily for you, if you follow these ten simple steps, you can fake it enough that people will actually enjoy speaking with you and you might enjoy talking to them too!
 | | A retelling of my latest and very fictitious adventure. | | 1. Talk about interesting things
No one wants to hear about the latest additions to your moth collection, no matter how cool you think they are. Bring up something something cool that you did, like thwart a nefarious criminal plot for world domination or when you mooned that guy in the McDonalds drive-tru. When you talk about things that are interesting, people will want to hear them. When you talk about your moths, people will want to shoot you.
2. Talk to interesting people
Sometimes you just can't have an interesting conversation with someone (for instance, if you try and talk to someone who hasn't read this article). I like to call this sort of person boring, dumbass, or shit-hat. When I come to to the realization that I'm talking to a shit-hat (usually around the second time they bring up their moth collection), I get out of their as fast as I can. I find a good way to make a speedy escape is to pretend I just got an urgent call from the Canadian Prime Minister or that I have explosive diarrhea. Works every time.
3. Don't forget to talk back
So you're having a great conversation and someone says something to you and then just completely stops and looks at you. And they say nothing for what feels like minutes but in actuality is minutes. This is your cue to say something back, preferably something interesting. If you've been paying attention to the person, this is a good place to add to their conversation. Such as if they were telling you that they were a prisoner of war in a Vietnamese prison camp for ten years, an appropriate response would be "No way!". And an appropriate response to your appropriate response would be "Way!". This gives the illusion that not only are you listening but that you care, and for some reason people like that and it will make them more apt to want to continue talking.
4. Stick to the conversation
It's hard to have a good conversation if you or your respective conversee are occupied in other ways. My gun may be really dirty and covered in the blood of a thousand sheep, but while talking politics with the Canadian Prime Minister is not a good time to clean it (though later it might make for interesting conversation). Likewise, I expect the person I talk with will not be cleaning their gun, practicing tap dancing, or whittling a duck out of a piece of driftwood.
 | | People love to talk to a pirate! | | 5. Pretend to be someone else
Let's face it, if you're asking for conversation advice from a comedy/satire website, chances are that you're life is boring as hell. Or possibly more boring than hell. Either way, any discussion of what you do before, during, or after work would put any normal human being to sleep. The best way to get around this is to pretend to be som
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