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Pluto Will Always Be A Planet To Me
by Kris on 8/24/2006 (7)

Sure looks like a planet to me.
Throughout my life, I have seen dozens of things change. Red lights turned green, short hair became cool, Sammy Hagar joined Van Halen. But the one thing I could always count on was that there were nine planets.

I remember the first time I heard about planets. I was but a young man, barely old enough to open my own box of milk or tie my own shoes. As my tenth grade class walked through the local planetarium, something caught my eye.

"What's that?" I questioned.

"That's the solar system," said my teacher. She proceeded to tell me the great tales of the nine planets, tales of how they would orbit the sun relentlessly or solve petty crimes that the police were too busy for. There were literally four stories of great triumphs over insurmountable odds by huge celestial bodies.

Of course, my favorite planet of them all was Pluto. Sure it was a little small and its orbit was a bit wobbly, but Pluto had something the other planets didn't. Character.

Pluto is like that old drunk guy that sits alone in the bar drinking straight whiskey. Sure it's a little creepy when he hits on all the much younger waitresses and he smells kinda funny and when you throw the metal darts at him, he mumbles something under his breath that you know is really dirty, but he must have lead a really interesting life to be so messed up now. That's what I think of Pluto.

Now the International Astronomical Union is trying to tell us that Pluto isn't a planet. What right do they have to question everything I have ever known? Such a decision will literally rock the foundation of human society. Astronomy books will have to be reprinted, solar system models will have to be changed, and kids will grow up without the hope that even if you aren't as big or strong or pretty as the other children, you can still be the ninth planet in the solar system.

And who's to say it stops there… what if the International Astronomical Union then says that Mars isn't a planet or that the Earth isn't flat? What if they start telling us what we can watch on TV or when we can go outside? What if they star arranging marriages for us, loveless marriages based only on social standing or trying to make funny looking babies?

Pretty soon, the world will be ruled under the iron fist of the International Astronomical Union. I just can't let such a thing happen. That's why I refuse to acknowledge this most heinous ruling. If you ask me how many planets there are, the answer is going to be a resounding nine. If you look at my solar system model, there will be nine planets, and Pluto will be the biggest and baddest of them all.h="0"0" hei

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1. by Cannon F. Odder on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Kris I couldn't agree more. The godless Commies have taken away the ninth planet and painted it red, and someone has to claim it back for (cough cough). Besides, the Reds say that Pluto isn't a planet as it hasn't cleared its orbit. Ha! What about Neptune which hasn't cleared Pluto away, has it? For Pluto is still there! No doubt the Reds will demote Neptune next, and before you know it Uranus, Saturn and Jupiter as well, since all four giants are gaseous, not solid and what's next? The red planet. Well, that's red already. No point in the Soviets conquering Cuba twice, right? Unless of course they backslide. But Earth will be next. Got to stop this diabolical Commie plot and repromote Pluto to Planet RIGHT NOW.. src="h </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by b3nd3rth3robot on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
You sir, are a God. I nominate you for the Godly Oversear of Planet Pluto!n </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by disgusted on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
this article stinks. For real, well-written satire check out The Onion. Those writers actually manage to stay on topic and make some real sense. I mean you make a good point about having to chang history books and such, but the article really goes down hill as soon as commies are mentioned. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
4. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Me thinks that you be confused. At no point does my article mention those bastard commmies... man I hate commiesone"></ </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
5. by Pluto is a planet on 1/11/2009 10:25:24 AM
Kudos to you for not accepting this ridiculous decision. You are not alone. Only four percent of the IAU voted on this; most are not planetary scientists, and the process they used violated their own bylaws. The decision was immediately opposed in a petition of 300 professional astronomers led by Dr. Alan Stern, Principal Investigator of NASA's New Horizons mission to Pluto. The IAU definition makes no sense in that it states dwarf planets are not planets at all and in that it defines objects solely by where they are while ignoring what they are. If Earth were in Pluto's orbit, according to the IAU definition, it wouldn't be a planet either. That is why this demotion is unlikely to last very long.uildi </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
6. by Cannon Fodder on 6/27/2014 1:16:32 AM
I am not G-d. But Pluto is a plane!
7. by Cannon F. Odder on 10/3/2014 5:03:03 AM
Correction, I meant Planet.

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