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Loophole in Company Policy Allows for Drinking at Work
by Kris on 5/17/2006 (0)

The only thing that could make this fun is beer.
In black and white, the company policy of Larry's Intergalactic Grocery Store clearly stated:
No employee shall come to work under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or any other mind-altering substance.
For years the policy went unchallenged and the grocery store remained an alcohol free zone. That was until one fateful afternoon a young and cocky stock boy raised up his arms and loudly proclaimed "I've found a loophole in company policy and now I'm going to get hammered at work!"

24-year-old Jerry Smith, fresh out of college and jaded by a world that had no need for communication majors, was in his second week of employment at Larry's and already hated it.

"My parents didn't spend $50,000 so I could party for five years and then end up working at some shitty grocery store," said Smith.

Angered by fellow employees that held seniority over him despite a total lack of education, customers that kept picking up items in one isle and leaving them in another, and little to no chance of career advancement, Smith gave up his model employee status and searched for a way to make the day pass faster.

"College went by so fast, mostly because I was drunk all the time," remembered Smith. Reading through the company policy again, he discovered just the loophole he needed to relive the best times of his life.

"Seems I am not allowed to come to work drunk, but there is nothing saying that I can't get drunk once I'm here," said a happy Smith between swigs from the 40 oz Budweiser he now brandished.

For the past week, Smith had been getting tanked at work. He is often found passed out in the break room, vomiting in the walk-in-cooler, or running through the chip isle with his arms outstretched, making airplane noises.

Management initially tried to fire Smith but reconsidered at the request of Smith's lawyer, which his wealthy parents gladly paid for.

"Our boy is a good kid and since there is no policy stating that you can't get drunk at work, then you can't get fired for getting drunk at work," said Dr. Paul Smith, Jerry's father and leading brain surgeon in the area. "I get drunk all the time at my job and never got fired and being a stock boy is not brain surgery."

Now Larry himself has been called in from the corporate offices and is scrambling to rewrite company policy to prevent such drinking. Unfortunately the paperwork required to make a policy change for such a large grocery chain is immense and it could be months before a new policy can be implemented.

Until that time, there is nothing they can do to stop the drinking while at work. Other employees, now realizing this, have taken to drinking during working hours and the store has quickly degraded into an eight hour drunk-fest for employees and a haven for shoplifters.

"Sometimes I get a little down when I realize that I'm 24 years old, making minimum wage, and living in my parents basement," said Smith. "Then I look at what I've done to this store and it makes me happy again, things have really turned around here since we all started drinking. I'm actually starting to like my job."i0"<

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