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Friday Mailbag 5.12.06
by Kris on 5/12/2006 (0)

Think, think, think... oh bother.
Every Friday, Smooth Operator's very own Kris reaches deep into his mailbag and answers a very special few questions. If you have any questions that you would like answered, email them to with the subject 'Friday Mailbag'.

Q: How did you get to be such a stud?

Studdlyness is just something you're born with. You either have it or you don't, it can't be taught. But if you are one of the unlucky few that are born without being a huge stud like me, there is still hope. Schools like the Cranberry Institute for Studlyness and Baking now offer courses in the field of being a huge stud. They teach you how to be uber-hot, how to talk to ladies, and how to lift parked cars over your head (because lifting a moving vehicle is more dangerous than Michael Jackson at a cub scouts convention).

Q: I think people hate me, why else would they throw rotten fruit at me?

If one person throws rotten fruit, you can think there is something wrong with that person. But if everyone is throwing rotten fruit, then you must assume that it is a problem with all other people except you. Because you're obviously a huge fan of mine and no fan of mine would get rotten fruit thrown at them unless it was by a bunch of idiots or collateral damage from a month long food fight started by the Dutch. My suggestion to you, since you obviously spend time around morons, is to invest in one of those really cool astronaut suits. Not only will it protect you from the rotten fruit but also you can go to the bathroom right in the suit, you're friends will be amazed and your parents will be so proud!

Q: How great is peanut butter?

Honestly, I'm not that impressed with peanut butter. Sure it's great on toast and makes dogs do funny things (like when you fill a swimming pool full of peanut butter and try to get them to water-ski across it) but I can name at least seven reasons it's not great:
1. Not a cure for cancer.
2. Will not help you in a battle with a Sith Lord.
3. Does not explode.
4. Has never held public office.
5. Has never stared in a movie with Christopher Walken.
6. Terrible at crossword puzzles.
7. Non-alcoholic.
Now, there probably are lots of things that cannot fulfill this list, a list of which I spent the last three minutes writing, but this question isn't about lists, it's about peanut butter. And clearly, peanut butter has failed where others have not been judged.

Q: Are you working on a Smooth Operator movie?

We are not working on such a concept at this moment. The reason is largely because we are very lazy and enjoy sitting on sofas. If you are going to make a movie, unless it is a movie about sitting on sofas, you can't just be sitting around sitting on sofas all the time. Additionally, Hollywood scoffed at the idea of giving a completely unproven satire writer the $400 billion budget that he requires to fully realize his vision of dinosaurs fighting vampires in an epic space opus, all encompassed by the coming of age story of a young Chuck Norris seeking vengeance against the robot army that killed his family.

Q: What would you do if someone called you late for dinner?

To me, being called late for dinner is the most cruel of all things to be called. Seriously, in the event that you've been living under a Roseanne Bar a

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