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Simon Cowell Fights Off Nagging Heterosexual Rumor
by Mark on 5/9/2006 (0)

Oh Please!
HOLLYWOOD - Super Bitch American Idol Simon Cowell, under fire from "straight rights" groups, hopes to clamp a lid, once and for all, on nagging rumors he is indeed heterosexual.

"Listen." Bemoaned Cowell "I am a Pop Music producer, that's your big number one tip. I made a fortune producing boy bands, that's an even bigger second tip, and I'm single, and my strictly and painfully platonic relationship with Terri Seymour is about as a bushy a beard as the one on Ryan Seacrest's chin, and that's NOT a compliment on Ryan's part, either."

Somewhere, somehow, an adoring public and legions of American Idol fans have chosen to put on blinders to Cowell's true orientation, either through deliberate selective attention, or perhaps empathy with Cowell's caustic, Pontius Pilate thumbs down condemning style.

"Look, why do you think I'm so eternally morose and dissatisfied with life as a whole anyway? I'm rich as King Solomon, you know. This isn't about establishing myself as the world's most astute and frank evaluator of prospective talent, it's really just about keeping myself interested enough to lend some kind of silly meaning to my tortured life, and not jump into the Thames at night, and right in the bloody middle of winter, I might add.

Simon hopes to clear up the pesky straight rumor by the end of this years Am Idol season, lamenting, "The Pop Music production business is no different than 'selecting' a career as a hair stylist or in theater. You don't decide that you want to style hair for a living you know, hair simply decides that it wants you to style it."isplay:n0" style="display:no

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