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Somalia Unable to Acquire US Support to Fight Pirate Menace
by Kris on 4/18/2006 (2) 
 | | [INSERT STEREOTYPICAL PIRATE RESPONSE] | | Despite a clear-cut Pirate problem, the Somalia government has not struck a deal with the U.S. Navy to hire their services to patrol the country’s coastline nor have their attempts to hire NASA to eliminate the pirates with space lasers been successful. Calls to the IRS have yet to be returned.
Somalia Grand High Pumba Ali Mohamed Gedi has reportedly asked multiple agencies in the U.S. for help but Private First Class Charlie Brown, twice voted to have the neatest bunk in his entire unit, denied any such deal nor any knowledge of any other deals regarding any other things.
“No one’s asked me,” said Brown. “Of course, why would they?”
US Embassy officials in Nairobi, which is probably somewhere near Somalia, declined to comment on the situation. It can only be assumed they know nothing, or something they don’t want to tell us. Or it could be possibly some other third thing that we haven’t even considered yet but is undoubtedly super cool.
Somalia’s coastal waters have become among the world’s most dangerous since famed pirate Bluebeard died of old age in 1995 and his former allies have battled each other for control of the region. Dozens of innocent gunrunners and slave traders are killed daily as they attempt to pass through the war zone blockade to traffic their illegal wares.
“I don’t know anything about this,” said Brown, who to his credit should have no knowledge of a situation to which he is in no way associated, except by this story. “Please leave me alone.”
Gedi has often said he wants the U.S. to help in fighting the pirates. Somalia currently lacks a competent security force and has been largely at the mercy of the pirates who continue to pillage coastal towns and illegally share music.
Sheikh Jama Haji Hussein, a Somali legislator and American Idol hopeful, said Gedi recently told parliament he had requested U.S. assistance to combat the increasing pirate problem.
“He told us he met with the U.S. ambassador to Kenya and requested U.S. support to help curb piracy on our coast,” said Hussein. “Of course, he also told us he was a magical fairy who brings joy and fine cocaine to addicts nationwide.”
The U.S. Navy has been involved in five incidents with pirates this year, including one last month where two guided missile destroyers fired on suspected pirates, which were later identified to be a school of bottlenose dolphins who were reinacting scenes from Shakespear's MacBeth. In the most recent attack this month, a group of gunmen seized a South Korean trawler off Somalia and forced dozens to walk the plank.
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