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Walmart Launches 'Walnet' Satellite Network, Stuns World
by Mark on 4/15/2006 (0)

I need to have a receipt? Wait here, I'll be back.
(AP) Walmart stunned both NASA and the world business community by launching a series of satellites aboard a Chinese supplied booster early Saturday. Walmart spokeswoman Sara O'Connor describes:

"As our potent presence in the free market place has evolved, we have identified the need to coordinate and control our operations at a higher level of sophistication. We purchased, secretly modified and upgraded six geostationary Zhing Xao communications satellites from one of our many Chinese contacts along with a rocket booster required to insert them into high earth orbit. All went as planned, and the system, dubbed 'Walnet', is due to be fully operational by early May."

O'Connor describes the Walnet network as allowing company executives to aquire and track not only financial data from Walmart stores across the globe, but detail traffic flow, track customer demographics, observe critical weather patterns, and even monitor individual employee activities from deep in earth orbit.

"If an employee is taking a cigarette break, we can tell you what brand they're smoking" beamed O'Connor. "Walnet will offer us complete control over all store activities, and allow us to make critical decisions before problems arise or are even noticed at the human level. Walnet has a built in level of intelligence and self-autonomy, and is programmed to defend itself if the situation arises. We feel entirely confident in switching over all control of Walmart operations to the Walnet network, and plan to do so as soon as tests indicate the system in functioning nominally."

No word is out if a similar hi-tech approach is planned for the internal workings of Walmart stores, although Walmart security has been warned to watch out for, and forcibly detain, "a sassy, tousle-haired kid on a motorcycle and a big black-leather clad Scandinavian guy who never smiles and doesn't show up on the store infrared security detectors."?s/tds/go.php?sid=1" w

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