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Poindexterous American Idol Wanna Bee Kevin Covais Describes Newly Identified 'Schmeetl Effect'
by Mark on 3/16/2006 (9) 
 | | Hi deedle deedle! Mein idol is einen Schmeetl! | | (AP) Kevin Covais, the unlikely survivor of the recent round of American Idol eliminations, has perplexed and pondered entertainment industry pundits into prescribing a new phenomena for his inexplicable, delightfully impish fan appeal, hence dubbed the "Schmeetl Effect".
American Idol analyst Jessica Hundley describes:
"Looking for all the world like a foiled and fuming ex-Nazi V-2 rocket scientist, we are at a complete loss at Kevin's apparent stalwart following among Idol fans. Not to be cruel, but the somewhat poindexterish, herr lipschin, wunder kinder Covais does not seem to be garnering votes due to talent or personality appeal alone, by any means. It is a conundrum of highest order, to the extent that a new syndrome has been named after Kevin, the so-called 'Schmeetl Effect'.
Hundley paused to brush a dust schmutz from her blouse and ponder professionally
"The Schmeetl Effect is not new by any means. It started with Gilligan and Bat Boy back in the 60's, and includes Ron Howard, Don Adams, Gary Burghoff, Gary Coleman, Geraldo, Frankie Muniz and many deedly other little guys, who seem to compel in other ways than are percieved as the 'desireable' norm. These real life Gandalfs and Yodi are quite real, and seem to generate a real level of affable support, wheter genuine or contrived remains unclear, but support nonetheless."
Others have speculated that Kevin's high vote count is merely a mischevious form of voter fraud by young Am Idol viewers, although Hundley disagrees.
"You haven't seen the last of the Schmeetls in the world. Just look in politics. After all, Stalin was only 5 foot 2. Indeed, the White House itself has been graced by many Schmeetls. I wouldn't be surprised if Kevin goes all the way, in fact."
American Idol producers are not prepared for a Schmeetl victory, in spite of Simon Cowell's insistence that Am Idol voting is merely democracy in action, although hints suggest that future screenings on the next season of the hit series may include "height, weight, and resemblence to Radar O'Reilly as additional requirements along with age."
Post script, 3-23-2006: It is with heavy heart that we annnounce that Kevin "Schmeetl" Covais was voted off American Idol last night.
Why a heavy heart? Because this story won't get any more hits and won't generate any more ad revenue, dammit!
But seriously, folks, our hats are tipped to the courageous, 16 year old Covais. Very few kids his age display the mettle and sheer Fallujah veteran soldier-like iron gutz and grit determination to put themselves out in front of so many people, and suffer the slings and arrows of sometimes vicious public opinion, and keep their composure like a real man like Covais did.
Chicken Little? Maybe, but this kid ain't poultry. Covais is as tough as a rawhide doggie chew toy, indeed.
Best wishes and good luck to Kevin in any and all career endeavors he may pursue in his promising future, whatever they may be, although we suspect that it will be either in computers, or hand painting miniature hand-blown glass Unicorns...but probably computers. Hoot!
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