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Lunchroom Bandit Still At Large
by Kris on 3/2/2006 (0)

So sad...
He strikes when you least expect it. Sometimes he is cautious, removing food from the fridge in the dead of the night. Other times, he is daring, snatching a warm meal right from the microwave. Either way, the result is always the same… disgruntled employees are left hungry; dreams of what could have been being their only sustenance to get them through the rest of another miserable workday.

“On average, there are ten stolen lunches reported each month,” said Office Warehut founder and CEO Harry Sack. Office WareHut employs over 500 people in its corporate office and is just one of many businesses that have been severely impacted by lunchroom thefts.

“Between purchasing new lunches and the lost time of employees that must leave the building to get another meal, we estimate we lose over $1.2 billion a year to the Lunchroom Bandit,” said Progressive Insurance security manager Daniel Shelton.

Many times the employees themselves suffer when the company refuses to extend lunch hours or allow employees to leave their office area.

“The Lunchroom Bandit stole my lunch and I didn’t have time to get another,” said mailroom peon David Hicks. “I was so hungry, I tried eating some staples but they tasted terrible.”

Despite his many thefts, the Lunchroom Bandit has remained at large and unidentified.

“He’s got an innate ability to swoop in when no one is watching and leave unnoticed,” said FBI investigator Ralph Hammerstein. Hammerstein has been tailing the Lunchroom Bandit for the past five years but has turned up little on him.

“The only thing he ever leaves behind is crumbs and empty wrappings,” said Hammerstein. “Never a fingerprint or a hair or any shred of DNA. It’s the same everywhere he strikes.”

Using criminal profiling techniques, it is estimated that the Lunchroom Bandit is a middleclass white male between 4’ 3” to 4’ 8” tall and weighing over 800 pounds. He is slightly balding, greatly enjoys foosball, and may have a tattoo of dogs playing poker on his inner-right thigh. Sketch artists have created the following drawing of what they feel he may look like:

The FBI is currently offering a $10,000 reward for information that leads to the arrest and conviction of the Lunchroom Bandit. While the stolen lunches can never be returned, the FBI is hopeful they can prevent future theft victims from suffering the indignity of having to run to the IHop or McDonalds to grab a meal."00" style

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