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Missing Man Found on Toilet
by Kris on 1/19/2006 (0)

"Oh shit..."
Jefferson, New Jersey native Nathan Williams loved life, and he loved Monopoly. So it came as a shock to friends when he was missing from their weekly game.

"It was really odd that he wasn't here," said longtime friend and coworker Gary Douglas. "He was riding high on a two game winning streak, it had to be something serious to keep him from the prospect of a three-peat and the bragging rights that would come with it."

At the conclusion of the game, which ended suddenly when one of the players set the board on fire after landing on a hotel populated Park Place, Gary went to Nathan's apartment. The light was on, but no one answered the door.

"It's not like Nathan to waste electricity," said Gary. "He's like the Scrooge of energy conservation, he even unplugs his clocks when he goes out."

When Nathan didn't show up for his drive-thru shift the next day at work, Gary knew something was wrong and contacted authorities. The police arrived at Nathan's apartment at approximately 12:30 PM.

"We were knocking at the door and I thought I heard a faint scream from inside," said police officer Nelson Gains. "We kicked down the door, laid down some cover fire, and rushed inside."

After taking down a threatening coat rack with a well placed shot to the head, the two police officer made their way through the apartment and found the screams to be originating from the bathroom. Nathan was found inside, unharmed but out of toilet paper.

"I think I had some bad Mexican for dinner, I hit the bathroom as soon as I got home," said Nelson. "In my haste, I neglected to check for any way to clean up after the deed was done. I had ran out the day prior but was too busy to get to the store to buy more."

In total, Nathan spent nearly 35 hours sitting on his toilet waiting for help, much of the time in the dark in an effort to make up for all the wasted electricity being used in the rest of his home.

"Thank god the police arrived when they did," said Nathan. "I was starving and nearly out of toothpaste, and my electric bill was rapidly going through the roof."

"We see this type of thing all too often," said officer Gains. "Unfortunately most of the time, we get there too late. Nathan was one of the lucky ones."

Nathan's friends were reportedly very relieved he was safe and anxious to give him "shit" about his ordeal at next week's Monopoly game.

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