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Frostbite Runs Rampant When Automatic Door Fails
by Kris on 1/5/2006 (0)

We sell groceries to morons.
Marquette, MI - Nearly a dozen people were rushed to Marquette General Hospital last night after suffering varying degrees of frostbite. While no one was seriously hurt, one man's glory days of thumb wrestling did regrettably meet its end.

The incident occurred when the automatic doors on the main entry way to Econo Foods, one of the area's largest grocery stores, failed to open. 11 people, apparently unaware of another entrance only 50 feet away and with nothing better to do on a Wednesday night, waited for over four hours in front of the malfunctioning door.

At approximately 2 AM, employees at Econo Foods discovered the line of people waiting outside.

"We had a couple of college kids trying to come in to buy more beer," said checkout clerk Sally Watson. "They were very disgruntled that the door wouldn't open and they began banging on the glass. Naturally we heard the noise and feared it was the El Nino, so we ran to investigate. It was only then that we realized there was a line of people waiting outside."

Paramedics were called to the scene shortly after when Econo Food employees realized that even their best mountain grown Folgers coffee couldn't warm many of those who had been waiting outside.

"It's a good thing they found these people when they did," said paramedic Nathan Kensington. "Another couple hours and they would have been frozen in ice and we would be unable to revive them for hundreds of years, just like Ted Williams and Walt Disney."

Everyone waiting outside was taken to Marquette General Hospital, the self-proclaimed Mayo Clinic of the North, for testing. One man was kept overnight and had to have both his thumbs amputated, making him essentially useless in today's ten fingered society. Others were treated for frostbite and released that night.

"We put a sign up on the door with an arrow pointing to the other door to avoid just such a situation," said store manager Robert Daniels. "If this happens again, we may need to have someone at the door directing people and answering questions, the sign obviously was too difficult for our customers to follow."

"I thought it was the line for the new Harry Potter film," said twenty year old Steven Johnson, who had confused Econo Foods with the 12 screen theater located next door "I saw the giant neon red apple and just thought it was one of those healthy theaters I'm always reading about on TV."

"Once I had been in line for an hour, I couldn't leave," said Susan Smith, mother of two. "I don't think I could live with myself if the doors opened shortly after I left. I just had to see things through to the end."

When Susan was asked whether she considered searching for an alternate entrance, she emphatically stated "no".n.r/tds/

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