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Big Lotto Win Guts Local Chicken Plant Staff
by Mark on 12/22/2005 (0)

The needs of the few are opportunistically churned under by the needs of the many.
KANKAKEE, IL - A recent staff-sweeping Super Lotto pool win at the Imperial Chicken Company in Kankakee, Illinois, "totally gutted the warehouse and plant staff", according to Imperial Chicken general manager Tony Poltretti.

"Man, we're in deep shit over here. 78 of the plants 92 employees dibbed in on a office Super Lotto pool, and dammit, they won! Each person is walking away with 1.2 million after taxes, and what else would you expect to happen? There was a mass exodus from this joint that would have made Moses blush."

Poltretti recants horrendous scenes of "1200 lbs. of thawed chicken" moldering on an unstaffed assembly line for 3 days until replacement workers could be found.

"We were doing our thing in the office, when we heard this mad cheer from the line. People were going crazy! After they found out they won, they all marched out, tossing chicken wings and legs on my desk and offering me some recipes I'd rather not care to repeat. At least not publicly."

Disgruntled plant workers organized the 5 dollar-per-head pool shortly after a surprise shipment of chicken nuggets resulted in 5 extra hours of unpaid overtime a week, prompting harried and distraught line workers to decry "never again", both to unpaid overtime, and chicken nuggets in general. The winning ticket was verified by giblet specialist Armando Hermanos, just before a massive special order for 4 tons of boneless BBQ breasts were due to hit the warehouse pallets.

The triumphant Imperial Chicken employees planned a victory celebration party that promised to serve every delectable edible from the area's finest chefs, "as long as it doesn't contain anything chickeny", and after recouping his normal working staff through frantic calls to local temporary labor agencies, Poltretti vowed "to outlaw any and all lottery pools or other types of gambling from the premises, unless I'm included."

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