Pentagon Ponders Offering Free Xbox 360 To Sweeten Flagging Enlistments
on 12/18/2005 (0)
WASHINGTON, DC - The Pentagon unveiled a controversial new recruit baiting scheme to "boost dwindling armed forces reserves caused by alarming casualties caused by the Iraq conflict", according to USMC recruiting Colonel Ted Popsie.
|"This button on the left is for your grenades, and the one on the right is for your melee attack!" |
"The old lures aren't working anymore. These are a different school of fish out there. We're having a hard time selling paid college tuition to a bunch of kids who are afraid they won't be alive to spend it, and the same goes for the ol' Hawaii assignment bait and switch, and even the Esprit De Corp is a tough sell nowadays, so we put our heads together and came up with a no miss solution."
Popsie gingerly hefted an Xbox 360 core system with optional wireless controller, universal media remote and a memory unit like a priceless Ming Vase at a Southeby's auction.
"This little baby is the Xbox 360! With a symmetrical, three-core CPU, each running at 3.2GHz, 500MHz ATI graphics processor and 512MB memory, nothing says "sign me up for 6 years!" like this mean green gaming machine! We expect a ten to twenty fold increase in all branches of the armed forces by spring. It's a no miss enlist kiss!"
Popsie also cunningly planned to include combat game Call of Duty 2 as primer for transfer to the Iraq theater, but wryly cautioned that "when you play the game for real, you leave the reset button at home."
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