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Offensive Article Offends the Easily Offended
by Kris on 11/18/2005 (0)

"Hi, my name is Deborah and everything offends me. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and drinking my own urine."
"I get offended when the order taker at Subway asks if I want 'white bread' for my sandwich," said Deborah Marks, mother of two. "What's next, will all the meat have to come from cows with blue eyes and blonde hair?"

Mrs. Marks also admitted to be offended that all UPS trucks are brown, Taco Bell wrongfully portrays the Mexican culture as miniature talking dogs who love to eat tacos, and that Burger King is too male gender oriented. "Where's the Burger Queen or Burger Princess? Are we supposed to think that only a man can cook a greasy, high cholesterol, sexually biased burger?"

When asked if she would be offended by an article who's sole intent is to offend a person such as herself, she enthusiastically answer "yes I would", then added she was offended that we had to ask. She was also offended that we hadn't asked sooner.

Ralph Douglas has written over 1,000 letters to his congressman, ranging from such unimportant issues as pin the tail on the donkey promoting animal abuse, the misconception that all ice-cream venders are mass murderers who love to watch Becker, and that the retail chain Toys R Us discriminates against senior citizens by stocking their stores with toys intended for a much younger age group. The only response Mr. Douglas has ever received were in the form of cease and desist notices from his congressman's lawyer.

For years people like Mrs. Marks and Mr. Douglas have been taking offense by reading way too deep into issues that are often shallow and meaningless, much like Mrs. Marks' relationship with Mr. Marks, which is largely based upon a sexual attraction that faded away years ago along with Mrs. Marks' good looks.

"UPS trucks are brown because typically packages are brown and we wanted people to associate us with their packages," said longtime UPS delivery man Nathan Michaels in defense of his company's vehicle painting practice. "There is no cultural or racial bias intended, despite what morons like Mrs. Marks think."

When Mr. Michaels was asked his opinion on people like Mrs. Marks and Mr. Douglass, he again reiterated his assumption that she and all people like her are morons and that they also most likely smell of rotten garbage and human waste.

Recent research by an independent firm located out of the Smooth Operator basement has revealed that 95% of people that are easily offended do in fact smell of rotten garbage and human waste.

"This is most likely because I've spent the last ten years of my life throwing rotten garbage and human waste at these sort of people," I admitted to myself in an interview earlier today.

"Did you ever notice how people that are easily offended have really lame names," said CNN research analyst Harveyestington Bobsledkiteworm. "Names like Bobby or Sue or Jason. Could those names possibly be any dumber?"

Now that is has scientifically been proven that people that are easily offended are dumb, smell bad, and have lame names, steps must be taken to rid the Earth of these sort of people, no matter how costly this process is.

"The most logically course of action

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