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The New Spirit of Halloween is Faking Your Death
by Kris on 11/2/2005 (0)

I faked my death... so can you!
An angry LenDale White stormed off the USC practice field, kicked out by his coach Pete Carroll. Moments later, White was seen on the roof of a nearby building, apparently in a struggle with a yet unidentified man, possibly John Tesh. The altercation finally ended as Tesh threw White from the building to his bloody death ten stories below.

Or so it would have seemed.

This was all an elaborate prank, a trick if you will, concocted by Carroll and White to fool the rest of the team into a false sense of grief, apparently designed to take their minds off of being the best college football team in the nation for two years running.

Now this sort of behavior is a far cry from what I grew up with, it is something much more extreme. Our good natured shenanigans consisted of egging houses, toilet papering trees, and Smashing Pumpkins (the band, we were all big Billy Corgan fans). Sometimes we might have stayed out too late, or slashed a few dozen tires, or took the entire bowl of candy despite a sign that specifically instructed us to "take one candy". But never did we ever considering bringing death into a holiday built around tricks and treats, about dressing up as Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles, or about carving the faces of our favorite toothless NHL players in pumpkins for no purpose what so ever.

The effects of this terrible prank have spread quickly through the USC locker-room like a jar full of bacon at a fat kids camp.

"I thought it was real," said 220 pound long snapper Will Collins. Reportedly, Collins is fearful now of going to bed, despite a new night light being placed in his room and happy rainbows being painted on the walls.

Most of the USC players have since enrolled in therapy, all in hopes of vanquishing the horrifying image of a poorly constructed papier-mâché dummy being thrown to its death. "Please don't make me relive it" one such player told us.

Worse still, the high publicity of this event may lead to others faking their deaths at various holidays year round, leading to countless broken hearts of family and friends nationwide. All that's being said is how funny or clever this was, which is going to go a long way toward making this sort of trick a holiday mainstay like cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve or shooting cannons at the British on Flag Day.

"Expect dozens of dads dressed as Santa throwing themselves off of rooms come Christmas, and I don't even want to imagine the horrors that could be possible come the Fourth of July or Presidents Day," said the often discredited physiologist and part time bus driver Dennis Yelle. "I'm afraid that thanks to USC and the positive spin the media has placed on this event, holidays will never ever be the same again."

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