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Digging In The Digital Dirt
by Mark on 10/17/2005 (0)

Have you Googled your Albatross lately?
LAST CHANCE, CA - Hopeful Microsoft applicant Egon Zigga stared blankly into the MS recruiter's cold glaring eyes. He felt an uneasy settling in his lower digestive tract coupled with an involuntary 'blurp!'

"Mr. Zigga, Mr. Zigga. Microsoft would love to continue the hiring process, but it seems a major snag has been brought to our attention by our Human Resource research staff. We Googled your name online, and it seems on May 3, 1999, your referred to Mr. Bill Gates as a 'Whiney effeminate golden retriever wuffling behind the wainscoting of an inferior operating system and handcuffing the world with a browser with more holes in it than genuine Emmenthaler Swiss Cheese.' Would you care to comment on this?"

Zigga mustered a few more audible blurps and stared stonily

"I-I was having a bad hair day? It wasn't me, it was my nephew Stevie! U-Uh...let me explain..."

The MS recruiter handed Zigga back his resume, frowning hard.

"Take this over to the shredder on the way out, would you please? And oh, thanks for applying, and keep using MS products! Have a nice day!"

And so it goes.

Indeed, a new type of persecution has hit the realm of life in American Free Enterprise. As is the human condition, it has always been the passion and obsession of the intellectually weak, creativeless and untalented to dig in the dirt to find reasons why an applicant is unemployable or a potential long-term risk, perhaps, and probably, for the selfish purpose of concealing their own professional mediocrity. Indeed, only an act of Congress prevented hyper-zealous self-loathing human resource scrutinizers from actually gaining legal access to a person's medical records in order to dissect and examine them like a Nazi doctor at Auschwitz.

That new tool is Google. A recent trend in "screening" potential applicants is to "Google" their name on the popular, ubiquitous search engine -not to prudently check for criminal records or judgement liens- but to dig up "controversial" statements or pictures that may indicate "an inability to manage one's professional life" by posting such horrendous and unforgivable content as describing a night out with the boys, or posting a party pic with beers raised high. Of course this "new" trend is nothing new.

Since the dawn of organized business, lackluster, starched-collar business conservatives, -those who follow Draconian rules the most fervently, and have the least to offer a company creatively- have sought ways to effect and tighten their power and control by finding vehicles to condemn, exclude or simply destroy others they deem unsuitable or unworthy. Back before the Internet, it was usually on-the-job compliance, or non-compliance, such as "failing to get with the company program", or not buying a company mug, or missing a company picnic, -seemingly trivial methods and forms of control designed to weed out potential dissent.

"Googling" merely extends upon this vicious human trait, offering new, instant methods of squelching those with the singular creative tenacity and boldness to speak their minds openly in the digital realm.

Of course expressing ones selve is a good and noble thing. It is how the modern world as we know it came into being; through bold, unfettered creative expression. Indeed, web blogs are the mental grafitti of the curious, enlightened mind.

Zigga approached the shredder, stopped and turned back

"Yeah, well I hate to freaking admit this, but this is a freaking Word document

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