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Rumsfeld Punches Man in the Stomach
by Ken ReCorr on 8/1/2005 (0)

After the fracas Rumsfeld could be heard uttering "Now that's how you deal with a (expletive) insurgency."
Washington – Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was left defending himself against an onslaught of calls for his resignation after he punched a tourist at the White House Tuesday.

"United States presidential cabinet members should be held to a higher standard of behavior than other individuals," said Hilary Rodham Clinton (D-NY). "I could see Joe (Biden, D-DE) doing something moronic like that, that guy is always looking to pick a fight with anyone smaller than him. But I though punching a defenseless old man in the gut was beneath even Rummy."

The incident occurred shortly after Secretary Rumsfeld finished his lunch with President Bush and was heading back to the Pentagon for his afternoon briefing. For some unexplained reason the Secretary broke off of his normal path through the Batcave and went straight through a group of Civitans from West Virginia.

Of the dozen or so eye witnesses to the altercation, all recount the same story.

"Well, we were just learning about George Washington's wooden teeth when Shelia said, ‘Hey, isn't that Don Rumsfeld?'", remembers Don Bynum, a member of the group Rumsfeld allegedly assaulted. "She watches Fox news 24 hours a day so I knew she was probably right. All of the sudden he comes over and socks Ken (Bottenfield) in the gut."

Mr. Bottenfield howled in pain and landed on all fours gasping for air.

"It was a sucker punch," says Jenn Bottenfield, Ken's wife. "Ken went to greet the Secretary and danged if Rumsfeld didn't rabbit punch my husband in the kidney."

White House security guards immediately pulled Secretary Rumsfeld off of the unsuspecting tourist and called for medical attention. Bottenfield was taken to a nearby hospital and is reported to be in a good but confused condition.

Press Secretary Scott McClellan was questioned at a recent briefing about the incident and the new round of resignation cries. "I do not have information at this time as to what drove Sec. Rumsfeld to punch this tourist in the stomach. This is an ongoing investigation and the White House will not speculate on the issue any further. But before I end this line of questioning we would like to say that in addition to a suspicious bulge Secretary Rumsfeld saw that turned out to be blood pressure medication, the Secretary believes that Mr. Bottenfield ‘looked a little too comfortable' considering his surroundings."


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