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Wonka Held in Illegal Immigrant Worker Scandal
by Andy Leeds on 7/26/2005 (8)

Will work for beans, Nike alerted.
Chocsville, PA - A shocked community today faced the harsh reality of a world without chocolate. Since cornering the market two years ago in a genial publicity campaign and thus virtually eliminating all competition, Wonka Inc has been the sole supplier for North America's chocolate needs.

Reacting on an anonymous tip, a SWAT team stormed Wonka's factory in the early hours of this morning and emerged a few minutes later with several figures in handcuffs, one of whom was identified to be local urchin Charlie Bucket and another identified as Wacko Chocolate entrepreneur Willy Wonka.

It is not clear at this time whether young Charlie Bucket was abused, however given the fact that Wonka is obviously weird and Bucket is under 13, we'll assume he was.

Seconds later Immigration Service agents were seen moving a group of small brownish men into a waiting paddy wagon. A spokesman for the Immigration Service gave the following statement:

"Mr. Wonka is being held for questioning with regards to the origin and legitimacy of his entire workforce. We have removed the shift managers from the factory and left the majority of the workers under guard inside. These men claim to be from Oompaland, which of course does not exist. Early speculation would indicate they are either Mexican midget wrestlers or Canadians. None of the workers have any identification and have apparently been working for cocoa beans, which contravenes many of our labor laws. Heck you can't even get away with that in Malaysia. Once we can stop them singing we hope to be able to get to the bottom of this. Until then, production will stop indefinitely."

This could spell the end for Wonka, who would almost certainly spend time in jail should he be found guilty of any of a number of charges implied in the above statement. Looting as already begun in several cities as candy crazy Americans struggles to stockpile sweet snacks.

All is not doom and gloom though, as leading Donut manufacturer Krispy Kreme has dispatched emergency 24 hour sugar squads to every major city in a bid to capitalize on Americas withdrawal symptoms. "We see a hole and were gonna plug it" said double entendre unaware VP Michael Kramer.

Fatties everywhere reacted positively to the news. Marge McDermott of New York City, New York remarked "Hey its not chocolate, but its not like I chew or taste anyway. Life will go on as long as one company can feed off the misfortune of another company to bring us more crap we don't need, god bless America. Are you gonna eat that?"

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1. by Kenny on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Where the heck is PN? PA is Pennsylvania and PQ is Quebec, but PN? Perhaps it is somewhere in Mexico next to the coco trees.ispl </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
You question PN but not Chocsville? And you're arguing semantics in a story about Willy Wonka? Leeds probably intended PA... so I'll fix that little boo-boo. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by Kenny on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
My suspension of disbelief can only go so far Kris, you know that. That is why I'm cool with all of your lies about what you did last night until you start talking about them including women. So to review: Choscville - OK, PN - ???, Kris's new hair product working wonders - OK, Kris making it will Hilary Duff's second cousin - ???isplay </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
4. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Not second cousin, I said second cousin's neighbor. Geeze, get your stories straight.n </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
5. by Kenny on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Whatever Kris, the chick was somebody's second cousin. I'll never fully understand your lust for B-list celeb's hanger ons.ispla </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
6. by Leeds on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Ah yes PA not PN, *sniff* its not easy being a non American. Anyways I figured a mogul of Wonkas finacial clout could probably name the state whatever he wanted to so it could be PN.uild </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
7. by Kenny on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
You figured wrong commie. American state names are not for sale (except for Arkansas - they'd sell their sisters for malt liquior). There are many Pennsylvaniets that fought the bastards from Delaware over keeping this name. If Delaware can't have it you better damn-well know that a group of orange-faced midgets and a goofy candy mogul can't either.t </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
8. by b551 on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
You two should draw pistols at dawn or some yankee shit like that. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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