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Racing is fun, if you're good at racing.
by Kris on 9/30/2002 (0)

If you don't think having four giant trophies is fun, then you're not Jeff Gordon.
There are many, many types of racing. There are car races, foot races, horse races, three-legged races, and even frog races. And while there is a large variance in the rules and the regulations of these races, it is a widely accepted that racing is fun, if you are good at racing. Scientific studies have shown without a shadow of a doubt that this is the case. It is simply the competitive nature of human beings, people have fun when they are winning or at least have a chance of winning. And to win, you must be good. Thus, applying the Transitive Property of Equality (if a = b and b = c, then a = c), we have now mathematically proven that racing is fun if you're good at racing.

"I enjoy racing," said NASCAR racer Jeff Gordon when we asked him about his thoughts on racing and the current situation in the Middle East. Like him or not, Gordon is widely considered to be good at racing and a poor source for information about the Middle East. Just look at the above picture, you don't get four huge trophies by talking about the Middle East and not being good at racing. Those trophies may look small in the picture, but in reality they are each nearly eighty feet tall and are often mistaken for NBA star Manute Bol, who is 7'-7"! They are mistaken for Manute Bol because they are tall, like Manute Bol. The trophies can also travel through time, like Manute Bol.

Remember that time when Hugh Grant got caught solicitating for oral sex? Yeah, me too.
We here at Smooth Operator weren't content at just giving you a mathematical proof and one racer's opinion on this troubling issue, so we have gone to the extent of finding two more racers to backup our position! Local hometown racer Bob McSmith was the next we spoke to. "Racing isn't fun and I think Saddam needs to be removed from power by any means necessary," said Bob McSmith. Bob has been racing the local circuits since the tender young age of five when he invented racing based off of an episode of Dukes of Hazard he saw. "I was watching the Duke Boys running from that darn sheriff... what was his name? Doogie Howser? Anyways, I watched the Dukes running from Doogie and I thought to myself, what if instead of trying to get away from the police, we instead were pitted against other cars in a competition to see who could finish a set number of laps on a monotonous circular course first? Sure my friends laughed at me and told me a I was crazy and had bad teeth and shouldn't marry my cousin, but look at how big racing has become! Almost as big as my fat cousin wife! She's literally the size of a small moon!" Ironically enough, the creator of modern day racing is not good at any form of racing whatsoever. Bob currently holds the longest losing streak of any person ever, amassing a less than impressive 0-642 record in completive racing. Whenever Bob goes to a race, chants of "Go home loser" and "Why won't you just die" are routinely heard from the crowd, usually started by his own father who is very ashamed of his son. "He is the worst racer ever. And he married his cousin," commented his father, Mr. McSmith. One fan who wished to remain nameless had this to say about Bob. "He's terrible. Actually, terrible is too nice, he's fucking awful. This one race, he did eleven laps backwards before he realized he was going backwards! Even worse, the other cars finished their 120 laps nearly an hour prior to Bob turning around. Another time, I watched a si

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