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Small Business Employees Believe Their Boss Is From Hell
by Kris on 7/11/2005 (0)

"Work harder slackards, lest ye all suffer for eternity in the firey pits of Hell!"
ES Industrial Paperclips has been in business for nearly twenty years in the small North Carolina town of Jimstown. While traditionally known for selling industrial strength paperclips to companies using industrial strength paper, they are also quickly becoming known as the business with the boss from Hell.

"Long hours every night, working through weekends, it's all normal while working at ES," said engineer Robert McGillus. "And not so much as a thank you from our boss."

"The boss called me in to work on my wedding day," said a second disgruntled employee. "Then while I was at work, he married my fiancé and went on my honeymoon, which I paid for! And that corner office he promised me, it's been over four years and I'm still in a cubicle! I'm not sure which of these two things I'm more angry about!"

While this type of behavior may be normal for many hardnosed bosses, recent allegations against this particular boss may indicate something more sinister.

"He had me come in and work last Saturday, but it wasn't my normal work," Alice Jenson told a reporter for the Jimstown Yodeler. "First, he had me filing away numerous documents, which clearly is not in my job description. And then I was forced to take part in a ritual goat sacrifice."

After Alice's public admission, more and more employees began to come forward and reveal strange occurrences they have seen in the office.

"Well, our boss's office is always really warm and his phone extension just happens to be 666," said one employee who wished to remain nameless due to fear of endless torture at the hands of his boss. "The giant pitchfork and horns on his head are kinda red flags too."

"There are constant screams coming from the closet in his office, like someone is in great pain," said another employee. "He assures us that it is just the old heating system in the building, but I'm not sure I believe him anymore."

When questioned about the allegations, the boss of ES Industrial Paperclips refused to confirm or deny his origins.

"I do not feel my employees have any business knowing about my personal life," said boss and company founder Edward Satan. "If they knew where I was from or about my ongoing war with the forces of Heaven, I feel it could adversely affect their concentration at work."

Continuing research into these allegations has also revealed that the name Edward Satan is most likely an alias. Police investigators believe his real name to be Lucifer Smith, a man wanted in Texas for tax fraud and in Michigan for numerous unpaid parking tickets.

"Certainly he's not the devil, but he is a bad man," said police officer Jeremy Willis. "Unfortunately, he does not appear to have any fingerprints and footprints from his cloven hooves have not provided us with adequate evidence to determine 100% that he is Lucifer Smith. So for the time being, we are unable to charge him with anything other than being a tough boss to work for, which is a $100 fine in North Carolina."

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