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War Nerves!
by Mark on 6/30/2005 (0)

Eat lead, OsamaaaaAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
WASHINGTON - A quiet day on Capital Hill reconvened after another false alarm Thursday. All government personnel were ordered to leave their offices and scatter immediately, "this is not a drill!" blaringly madly over D.C. loudspeakers.

The alarm was tripped by a wayward Piper Cub aircraft that had lost navigation equipment and haplessly drifted into restricted D.C. airspace. The Piper was engaged by 4 F-18 Hornet fighter aircraft and forced down. The pilot is currently being questioned by the FBI and FAA, and is not expected to be formally charged.

Arizona Republican Senator John McCain kicked his feet on his desk and laughed softly.

"What we got over here is a bad case of war nerves. Same thing happened just after World War 2 started. People were seeing Japanese subs in San Francisco Bay and Paratroopers landing in Hollywood. Every time a private aircraft drifts over restricted airspace, it sends the entire city into a tizzy. It's better to be safe than sorry, but this is getting a bit tiresome. I didn't get as nervous when I was locked up in the Hanoi Hilton in 'Nam and B-52's were dropping bombs a mile up the road, for Chris sake!"

McCain gleefully described other scenes of comic bedlam spawned by the false alerts

"Senator Barbara Boxer started yapping like a whacked out Yorkshire terrier and jumped on Senator Trent Lotts back and rode him around the Oval Office like a pony! And Senator Pat Roberts and Senator John Rockefeller were throwing full roundhouse punches at each other! Roberts landed a right cross that sent Rockefeller right out on the A street tree lawn! Absolute funniest damn thing you ever saw!"

Washington police described similar scenes of mass hysteria in the streets including looting, fist fights and public drunkenness and nudity. The FAA, looking for a way to avert false alarm caused by wayward aircraft has pledged to agressively communicate with all local airfields, and "shoot down any crazy son-of-a-bitch that even looks in the vague direction of the Washington Monument."

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