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Dude, you're getting a Gateway!
by Kris on 9/26/2002 (3) 
 | | Dude, you're getting a Gateway! | In a move that most experts are considering the coo of the century, PC manufacturer Gateway has won a bidding more and stolen the lucrative "Dell Guy", Ben Curtis, from Dell. "We saw what he did with Dell, and we figured he could do just as much for us, if not more," commented Gateway President and Chief Executive Officer Ted Waitt, "And we wanted to screw over Dell, those cocky son of a bitches." Since the introduction of the "Dell Guy", Dell sales have nearly doubled and the company image has been transformed from a seedy backwater PC manufacturer with ties to the mob to a first rate backwater PC manufacturer with ties to the mob. The success Dell has experienced since the introduction of the "Dell Guy" has been nothing short of astounding. "The success Dell has experienced due since the introduction of the Dell Guy has been nothing short of astounding" said Dell President Kevin Rollins, "We could never have hoped for this much success... well, I could have, but none of those other tight-asses here at Dell. They've really got their heads up their asses, if you know what I mean."
Gateway is banking that the "Dell Guy" will be just as successful to them as he has been to Gateway. "I'm not going to lie to you, business is really in the shitter," Waitt revealed. "If this doesn't work out, I'm afraid we're all going to be on the street washing windshields for a nickel and some breadcrumbs." In the last year, Dell has experienced huge surges in market share while Gateway's percentage of the market has fallen to an all time low and has shown no signs of recovery. The current Gateway "Cow" campaign, which was previously perceived as cutting edge by consumers, has now received such criticism as boring, out of date, and not as cool as the "Dell Guy". These were the chief reasoning for Gateway's latest move. "We were getting our balls kicked in the marketplace" said Vice-President of Marketing Dave Turner. "We tried all kinds of crazy gimmicks. We tried giving out copies of Lord of the Rings with our computers, we tried free gas coupons with each purchase, we even tried making quality computers. Nothing would work, all because of some 21 year old hotshot that was out running his mouth about how great Dells are."
 | | I'm 21 years old and I make ten times more than you ever will... excellent! | "Dave (Turner) came to me and he showed me the commercial. It was pure genius," said Gateway Chief Financial Officer John Todd. "I said to him D-money, we need to get this guy. We got in contact with Ben (Curtis) and told him that we must have him, in a nonsexual way... not that there is anything wrong with that."
"I was pretty shocked when Gateway said they wanted me (in a nonsexual way)" said Curtis. "It was just odd, a week before they had been prank calling me and sending pizzas to my house, my mom was starting to get very angry. I was a little hesitant to sign with them initially. Dell has been nothing but great to me (in a nonsexual way), but when Gateway offered me free passes to Disney Land for myself and six of my closest friends, I couldn't turn them down. I mean seriously, Disney Land can only be described as excellent."
"It's a sad day here at Dell," commented Rollins, "Curtis helped us immensely. He was our messiah so to speak. I wish he would have talked this over with us, Dell has ties too. I mean, we couldn't have promised Disney Land, but we have an employee discount rate at all Six Flags locations."
Dell isn't sitting idly buy<
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