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Hungry Man Eats Neighbor's Horse
by Kris on 4/27/2005 (0)

A horse is a horse, of course, of course... unless of course that horse is the main course.
"He said he was so hungry that he could eat a horse, but I didn't believe him," said Mississippi farmer Hank Anderson. "Now I'll never be able to ride poor Bessy again."

Mr. Anderson's neighbor, Frank Harper, had been down on his luck after increasingly affordable child labor caused him to lose his job at the local cheese packing factory. He was struggling to make his bill payments and often went days at a time without eating.

When Harper proclaimed one day that he was "so hungry I could eat a horse", Mr. Anderson offered his prize steed Bessy.

Later that night, Harper entered Mr. Anderson's stable, lured Bessy out into the field, and killed her with twenty-four swift blows to the head with a shovel. He then built a fire pit around Bessy and began cooking the horse.

Mr. Anderson awoke at 6 AM the following morning. As he did every morning, he tended to the pigs and chickens then went to see his horse. But Bessy was not in her stable. Glancing across his field, expecting to see her trotting merrily through the tall grass as she often did, Mr. Anderson saw a faint cloud of smoke rising from the ground. He rushed to see where the smoke was coming from, expecting to find just another group of hippies camping in his fields.

What he found instead was the smoldering remains of his half eaten horse. Harper lay nearby, moaning that he never should have eaten so much.

"I took Frank out the night before, bought him a few beers and a meal," said Mr. Anderson. "I felt sorry for him, I knew he had no money and he just looked so hungry. When he said he was hungry enough that he could eat a horse, I jokingly said 'take mine'. I never meant for him to actually eat Bessy!"

Harper has been unwilling to apologize for eating the horse and equally unwilling to give Mr. Anderson any sort of reimbursement for her.

"Hank said I could eat his horse," claimed Harper. "When you offer a starving man something to eat, you can't get angry with him when he picks up a fork."

Steven Reynolds, Harper's old boss at the cheese packing plant, was not at all surprised by these strange events.

"I've never seen a man eat as much as Frank did," said Reynolds. "On an average day, he must have put down four to five pounds of cheese. That's what's so great about child labor, they can't eat nearly as much of our product as Frank did. And we don't even pay them close to what our previous employees made either."

Mr. Anderson is planning to take Harper to court to regain the cost of the horse and additional damages caused by mental anguish. This battle may prove to be a very difficult one for him though.

"The letter of the law does not take into account joking or sarcasm," said Smooth Operator lawyer Defacto McLaw. "There are nearly a dozen witnesses that heard Mr. Anderson say Mr. Harper could eat his horse. The chances of Mr. Harper winning this case are about as likely as this event actually happening in the first place."

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