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Dan Kolb Saves Teammates from Rogue Water Cooler
by Kris on 4/26/2005 (1)

Protecting America, one water cooler at a time.
What a week ago was thought simply to be an angered tirade has actually been revealed to be a heroic defense of teammates and fans.

It was the bottom of the tenth and Atlanta Braves closer Dan Kolb was trying to preserve a one run lead, but after making an errant throw that allowed the tying run to score and then allowing an infield single that loaded the bases, Kolb was sent back to the bench by manager Bobby Cox.

Upon reaching the bench, Kolb violently attacked a water cooler, knocking it to the ground and leaving it in a condition that a stunned equipment manager could only describe as "unusable".

Sportswriters nationwide crucified the actions of Kolb, deeming them to be "unsportsmanlike" and "kinda stupid". But that was before America's leading news source revealed the whole truth.

"I wasn't attacking the water cooler because I was angry, I was attacking it because I knew the terrible threat it was to all of us," Kolb told Smooth Operator in an exclusive interview earlier today. "I saw it there, watching, waiting for the moment when the time was right to strike. I had to do something before it was too late."

"Most people would think it was just water in there," said Kolb about the water cooler. "But it could be almost anything... napalm, rocket fuel, or polio. Everyone in the stadium would have been killed if I didn't do something."

Fellow Braves teammate Chipper Jones was somewhat skeptical of Kolb's actions, especially in light of his recent poor performance.

"The guy can't cut it in a big market, he's getting lit up each time he pitches," said Jones. "And instead of being man enough to admit it, he concocts this crazy story about stopping a killer water cooler to try and save face."

The Brave's equipment manager, initially unaware of the intentions of the water cooler, cleaned up the dugout and disposed of the water cooler after the game. Thus the validity of this story could not be verified. Upon learning that the whereabouts of the water cooler were unknown, Kolb shot us a concerned look and some fiery comments.

"This attack was only the beginning," said Kolb. "There is no way of knowing exactly what this water cooler is capable of. Worse yet, I fear the added stress of knowing that he is out there planning our demise could adversely affect my pitching all season long."isplay:none">

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1. by Kolbhater on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Freaking Kolb - he's gonna cost us the Series this year!?sid </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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