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Friday Mailbag 4.15.05
by Kris on 4/14/2005 (0)

I look so smart when I try to think.
Every Friday, Smooth Operator's very own Kris reaches deep into his mailbag and answers a very special few questions. If you have any questions that you would like answered, email them to with the subject 'Friday Mailbag'.

Q: I can't find my keys, have you seen them?

No, I have not seen your keys, but I do have some of that rock solid logical advice for which I am famous for. Try to think of everywhere you have been since you last saw your keys... maybe you went to the bathroom, the fridge, sat down on the couch or went over to a friend's house. Now, rule those places out. If there is one thing I know, it's that a key thief will never return to the scene of the crime. I suggest checking dark alleys, seedy motels, and spooky graveyards after dark. I can almost guarantee you'll find your keys at one of these locals.

Q: They say crime doesn't pay, but what about robbing a bank?

What most people don't realize about robbing a bank is the huge startup cost of doing just that. You can't just walk into a bank, wave a gun around, and expect to walk away with a sack full of cash. Well, technically you could, but that would also mean you wouldn't mind spending ten to twenty in the big house. You need to scout the location, choose the optimum time, and most importantly (and most costly) you need to hire a top notch team of criminal specialists. You'll need a guy that can crack a safe. You'll need a guy that can blow shit up (because inevitably there will be a second layer to the safe that you never expected). You'll need a getaway driver and a fast car for him to drive. You'll need at least two goons for muscle and to draw fire, as the police can be counted on showing up just as you are making your exit. You'll need a smartass that can talk you out of a bad situation. And you'll need someone to launder the money, because most stores won't accept dirty money. After you pay all these people, your profits from the robbery will be very, very small. You'd be better off starting a lemonade stand than trying to rob a bank.

Q: Where does tumbleweed come from?

Tumbleweed is forged in the fires of Mount Doom... oh wait, that's something else. Tumbleweed is actually the weapon of choice of the desert armadillo. They make these 'tumbleweeds' from dried weeds and scorpion venom and send them rolling through the desert toward their unsuspecting victims. Anyone struck by a tumbleweed will die in seven days... wait, that's something else too. Anyways, long story short, armadillos hate us for driving away the ancient Mexican settlers that would feed them delicious tacos and play poker with them.

Q: Will man ever evolve to grow an extra finger on each hand so we can finally count to twelve?

Yes, but it will not be for thousands of years. In the mean time, why not check out products from companies like 'Give Me A Hand' and 'Freak Corp' that allow you to add as many prosthetic fingers as you want. I personally find the products from both these companies to be top notch and most people that I have shown did not even realize that my extra six fingers on each hand were not real... but man were they impressed when I counted all the way to twenty-two.

Q: How come you only answer five questions? Why not six?

Two math questions in one edition? This is too much. I only answer five

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