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Martha Stewart Named New Lesbian Hero
by Mark on 3/4/2005 (0)

(AP) After a 6 month grueling sentence in a West Virginia Federal prison, domestic diva Martha Stewart comes home to house arrest amidst tears, jeers and queers

"S-She's a true American hero..."

Tearfully bubbled Lacy "Sticky" Dumbrowski, chairwoman of the Patterson, New Jersey, Lesbian Inmate Coalition

"I-I've been a L.I.C member since 1964, and not since the famous lesbian inmate Sappho, interred in a New York city prison in the 1920's, has so much support and endearment come from the community. Martha endured so much. She is everything that is right in the world and she was punished for it. She has all of our prayers and support."

Indeed, Martha has shown signs of becoming even bigger than Wonder Woman or KD Lang as a symbol of oppressed femininity to the lesbian community, a selfless, withering lotus petal brutally crushed and set adrift on a roiling pond of male angst and guile like Ophelia on a sultry summer night.

"We just want her to come home. She is our Soul Sister in kindred spirit and in kind. We love you Martha!"

Alderson Federal prison warden Johnny Beauford kicked his feet on his desk and smiled wryly

"I'm not quite sure what the furor is all about. She committed a felony and did her time. She'll spend the rest of her life as a convicted criminal. Quite frankly, I'm glad to get rid of her. My wife bakes a mean batch of bran muffins too, by the way, and she doesn't get on TV or a 16 million dollar mansion for doing it, neither. Go figger."

Winner 7.15.05
Beauford pondered that the fantasy of Martha incarcerated in an all female prison has given rise to her substantial lesbian appeal, although he admits "If you saw some of the gals locked up in here, you'd never look at a pair of pink bikini briefs the same way again."0" he

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