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Boys Arrested for Depicting Classmates Enjoying 'Glitter'
by Kris on 1/26/2005 (0)

This caption marks the first time ever that "best movie ever" and "Glitter" were both used in the same sentence.
Two boys were arrested in Stapler, North Virginia for making pencil and crayon stick figures depicting classmates watching the movie Glitter, staring Mariah Carey, and enjoying it. The children, charged with incredibly bad taste, were taken from school in handcuffs.

Glitter was the 2001 craptacular that followed the story of a young singer striving to become a star. Unfortunately, that young singer is played by Mariah Carey, whose previous acting experience was limited to pretending that her career hadn’t peaked over a decade ago. Critics panned the movie, saying it was “terrible” and “worse than polio”, and the movie flopped at the box-office as the public choose to do better things with their time, such as “not watching Glitter”.

The ten year old boys were arrested Tuesday and charged with written libel and unnecessary use of poor taste, penalties that carry a maximum of five years in prison and $10,000 in fines. The boys were also expelled from school, but not before being forced to sit quietly for an hour and think about what they had done.

One of the offending drawings showed the two boys crying as other class members watched Glitter and marveled at the acting prowess of Carey, according to a police report. The stick figures were identified by their uncanny resemblance to their real life counterparts.

Another drawing showed a stick figure at a local Blockbuster Video, tears falling from his eyes as he realized that all the copies of Glitter had been rented out. Other pieces of scrap paper listed profanities directed at the “bastards that rented all the copies of the best movie ever”.

“These were some of the best stick figure drawings I have ever seen,” said arresting officer Jim Washington. “It’s just a shame that they were used in such an obscene manner.”

The boys’ parents, clearly traumatized by the incident, admitted that they “don’t love them anymore” and hope they “rot in prison for many years to come”.

A trial date is expected to be announced within the week. The boys are currently being held in Stapler County Jail. Bail has been set at $1 million.

Mariah Carey was unavailable for comment, presumably too busy trying to pick herself up out of the gutter and put back together the shambles of her career.

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