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Star Jones Cuts Ties with Legal Career to Spend More Time with Food
by Ken ReCorr on 1/14/2005 (6)

Los Angeles – After lying to herself for several decades, Star Jones has finally pulled the wool from her own eyes, eaten the metaphorical sheep, and openly admits that she lusts after mountains of food. So much so that apparently the co-host of the talk show The View has decided to stop any and all activity that didn’t directly relate to putting food on her table in massive amounts and then eating it.

On a recent return trip from Europe, Jones officially listed her occupation as “geographic landmark”, not lawyer which had been her previous modus operandi.

"I guess I've crossed over to the dark side," she said. "It felt truthful. I'm sure it's strange for my father, who wants to know where all the money went for law school." Mr. Jones reportedly stopped asking those pesky questions shortly after Star ate his right arm.

Jones has been heavily criticized in the past for her outspoken role to get plus-sized women more respect in the current society. In the past year she has lobbied strongly for larger toilets to be a standard feature in public places, the removal of steps from all publicly funded buildings, and more microwave access on public transportation.

“She doesn’t realize that her kind cost us billions each year in health related issues,” stated Barbara Walters, Jones’ former View co-host. “Not to mention that they smell because when you’re that big you can’t properly clean yourself.”

Reports have the former law professional’s weight at approaching half a ton. The source cited for this estimate could not pin down an accurate measurement, but said the educated guess was made after “seeing the amount of water that was displaced” when Jones boarded a cruise ship last week.

The heavy backlash against her decision did not deter the portly Jones from moving forward. “I will continue to eat what I want when I want, and who I want. I have the determination of a glacier. I will carve anything in my way into valleys of destruction.”

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1. by Otis on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Is this really from 1/14/2005? Has the author seen Star lately? She's lost about half a ton of her former self, but will probably be back to her old tonage in a couple of months.n. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by Katy on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Just an illusion. She is really twice her past size currently but tv is using airbrushes and strategically placed black holes to slim her appearance.h="0 </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
She still looks pretty big in that picture.h="0" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
4. by the author on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Seen Star?! She ate the few remaining fries off of my plate at McDonalds last weekend and then ate my dog man...RIP Oreo the Dog."0 </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
5. by melcin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
This is great! Star Jones sucks! How did she ever get on The View and more to the point why do they keep her? And that "E" has hired her to do the Red Carpet in place of Joan Rivers, we have even more of her to have to look at. It is appalling how this truly obnoxious person gets so much air </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
6. by lee and dan on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
star jones sucks! she an uptight social climber freak, and i bet her ass smells ..get off my tv whore!<ifr </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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