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A Response to Britney Spears’ Open Letter
 Well, well, well, look who decided to put an end to our three month respite from the downward spiral that is Britney Spears. That’s right America, one week after Ashlee “I use the Anarchy symbol for my own personal design because Ashlee and Anarchy both start with an ‘A’” Simpson was declared dead on arrival after her Orange Bowl performance, Britney Spears has released an open letter to her fans to let them know it was time to get the skank machine fired back up.
I would like to implore Mrs. Federline to end this charade before it is too late. I somehow doubt that will happen. The urge to resist answering Lindsay Lohan’s challenge to see who can hit rock bottom first while dragging the most teenage girls with them, is too great for Mrs. Spears. After Lohan’s latest FHM spread, the Las Vegas odds makers have the two running neck and neck.
Rather than delve into the ramifications of Britney’s renewed assault on the last shreds of American decency, let us explore her call to arms – the recent Letter to my Fans dated Jan. 3, 2005.
 It is possible that the section’s title and as such, the classification the letter is written under, could be the most galling aspect altogether. Mrs. Spears appears to believe that rambling discourse, such as letters to her fanbase, should be categorized as “stream of consciousness”. Categorized by The Columbia Electronic Encyclopedia as an attempt by the writer to “reflect all the forces, external and internal, influencing the psychology of a character at a single moment” this letter accomplishes this in the same way as does a grocery list.
This is a direct affront to anyone that had to sit through an English Lit class and read, or be tested on the work of one William Faulkner. While I can’t claim to have a literature degree, nor do I care to own one, but I’ll be damned if I spent hours and hours trying to get through The Sound and the Fury only to have Britney ramble on about a chandler for her dog’s room.
But I digress…
The letter begins with Britney musing on the time honored traditions of New Year’s resolutions. “If only I could convince myself to stick to them!” While she does not elaborate on the resolutions, one can only wonder from the events of the past year, what she is resolving to change for 2005. Perhaps Britney will cut down on getting married, quit smoking, or even step up to that next clothing size her aching buttons have been asking about for months now.
“I think I should rephrase myself from my previous letters when I was talking about taking a "break",” begins the second paragraph. “What I meant was I am taking a break from being told what to do.” Somewhere, in some distant land, a chore-burdened teen sheds a tear of understanding and compassion.
“True Masters say it's cool when you look at someone and don't know whether they are at work or play since it's all the same to them.” Indeed; is that Confucius? A verse from Proverbs perhaps?
Spears seems to be coming to grips with the fact that the public has stopped trying to peek down her shirt when she’s not looking, and has begun to explore a more professional side of “the business”. “I've been working on writing and hopefully eventually directing a musical which makes fun of the whole Hollywood scene, which is appropriately titled ‘Hollywood’.” That sounds wonderful. Perhaps you c
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