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Toaster Related Deaths at an All-Time High
by Kris on 12/30/2004 (11) 
 | | Recent ad denouncing toaster use. | | Now that 2004 is nearly over, the World Organization of Statistics has released frightening new information that shows toaster related deaths are up all across the world this year.
“It’s not just in the US, it’s everywhere,” said Dr. Kevin Willie, self-proclaimed ‘Statistical Genius’. “It is an alarming trend, and only appears to be getting worse.”
The number of toaster related deaths in the world this past year was 45. This is up 12 from last year, and up 15 from two years ago. The number of toaster related deaths in the US alone was 17, nearly a 7% increase over the past year. This year toasters have killed nearly ten times more people worldwide than the deadly polio virus, and no one disputes what a terrible plague polio has been on society.
“At the steep rate that toaster deaths are increasing, the entire human race may soon be wiped out,” claimed Dr. Willie.
Most often, toaster deaths are caused by a lack of respect, and fear, for the common toaster.
 “Toasters are programmed only to toast. They know nothing else. They feel no pain, they have no compassion. They will tear a man to pieces and cook him to a golden brown without a second thought,” said Nathan Jones.
Nathan lost his wife and daughter in a toaster related incident four years ago and has been working to instill fear of toasters in all who he meets so that they will not have to relive his experience. “All they wanted was toast, but what they got was death,” he often tells his audiences.
“People are lackadaisical, just putting bread and bagels into the toaster,” said Dr. Jack Snow. “They don’t even stop to think about how the toaster is really an unstoppable killing machine.”
Dr. Snow works for the Aaron Burr Medical Institution, which specializes in toaster related injuries. He has treated dozens of toaster injuries in the past decade.
“I’ve seen things that you’d never want to see, things far worse than even a Mariah Carry movie,” said Dr. Snow. “But saddest of all, most of these injuries could have been easily prevented.”
One of Dr. Snow’s recent cases involved a young newlywed couple. The wife lost her ring in a toaster while reaching for her bagel. And her foolhardy husband went after it with a fork.
“If only the husband would have contacted the Toaster Squad, they could have safely removed the ring,” said Dr. Snow. “But he did not assess the real danger of the toaster, and it ended with me having to surgically reattach both arms.”
Another recent case did not have such a happy ending. Little Bobby loved toast, and he loved taking bathes. But together, his two loves created an explosive mistress of death.
“Poor little Bobby, tried to take his toaster in the tub,” said Dr. Snow, a tear streaming down his cheek. “We could only identify the body by comparing his teeth with our dental records. If only his parents had warned him about the dangers of Toaster Bathing, he would have worn his protective rubber suit and would still be with us today.”
Dr. Snow, Nathan Jones, and others like them have been working hard for years to promote “Safe Toasting” across the United States. They have created television commercials and pa
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