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Friday Mailbag - Christmas Edition
by Kris on 12/24/2004 (0)

Hey look at me, I'm answering mail!
Every Friday, Smooth Operator's very own Kris reaches deep into his mailbag and answers a very special few questions. While he receives thousands of emails each day, he always tries his best to answer each and every one of them. If you have any questions that you would like answered, email them to with the subject 'Friday Mailbag'.

What would you like for Christmas?

Funny thing.. just today I listened to the song 'All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth'. Three hours straight. True story. But to answer your question, I guess what I'd really like (besides the prerequisite peace and happiness crap) is a rocket car. Every morning I get up, shower, and let my truck warm up for about five minutes. I get in a slightly warm vehicle, shivering a little, and make my two and a half mile commute to work. With traffic and street lights, it ends up taking me between five and ten minutes. As you can see, that's quite the inconvenience for someone of my talents. I had the value of my time measured once, and it worked out to be $413 an hour. So in the time it takes for me to get to work, I am out nearly $100! If I had a rocket car, besides having a blazing hot heater that would keep me warm all winter long, it would take me literally fifteen seconds to get to work. I really can't think of anything better than that.

What is the true origins of Santa Clause?

Back in the olden times, thievery was a terrible problem. Especially during the Christmas season when homes were readily filled with expensive new presents. To deter thieves, many homes began placing pine trees in their living rooms. The thought was that the thieves would mistake the home for a forest and move on to the next location. This fooled all but one very wise thief, Santa Clause.

Santa Clause would come down the chimneys of homes and steal the presents from under the tree. People did not want to get rid of the trees, as they stopped the majority of thieves, but they needed a way to stop Santa. This came in the form of milk and cookies. Santa was not a thin man. In fact, he was a rather fat man with a quite large appetite. If a home had milk and cookies for him, he ate them and moved on to the next, satisfied to receive some form of payment for his troubles. Eventually, Santa began to enjoy this offering of food so much that he would even leave presents at the homes of those who fed him. He continued this for over twenty-five years, until a tragic Santa Clause / boiling pot of water accident turned him into a rich, creamy broth.

Do you think Christmas has become too commercialized?

Not at all. I have not seen a single commercial for Christmas yet. I think the word is out and companies no longer feel the need to spend advertising money on spreading the word about Christmas. Now Viagra, I think that is too commercialized. I see commercials for those all the time. I miss the good old days when people with erectile dysfunction would hide their afflictment in shame. Now everyone is talking about it. Just the other day a homeless man tried to convince me to give him money for Viagra because he could no longer make love to his homely wife. That wife of his had some hideous buck-teeth... I think what he really needed was a blindfold, not Viagra. His wife didn't appreciate when I pointed this out to him though.

How come all my candy smells like feet?

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