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National Hockey League TV Ratings Lowest Ever
by Kris on 12/22/2004 (5)

Does anyone even care anymore?
The National Hockey League, invented in Canada over a thousand years ago by Eskimos that had tired of making love to penguins and desired a new pastime, has recently received some very bad news. Nielsen Ratings, the preeminent source for the measure of television viewership in America, has recently revealed that the NHL has received it's lowest rating since the league's inception.

The Nielsen Ratings represent the number of televisions tuned in to a specific television program during it's air time. The top rated program for this past week, CSI: Miami received a 13.7 rating. This equated to approximately 15 million viewers. The ratings for all NHL games combined was zero, which equates to approximately zero viewers.

For years the NHL's popularity has been waning, but few expected such a sharp decline.

"This is absolutely terrible," commented NHL President Gary Bettman. "I mean shit, we got beat by reruns of Little House on the Prairie. Michael Landon is sexy and all, but even an attractive man in tight jeans shouldn't be beating out us in the ratings."

"We haven't sold a single ticket this year," said Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk. "We've even cut tickets prices in half, but no one will come."

There does not appear to be any clear-cut reason why people have suddenly lost interest in the league. Many suspect that the violence of the game has turned away many pacifist viewers, a demographic of wussies that is getting bigger every day. Others claim that the dispersion of talent between the numerous new expansion teams has watered down the league and created a less exciting product. A third faction claims that it is all the work of resentful Americans who hate anything different and strange, and what could be more different and strange than a bunch of Canadians and Europeans skating up and down a rink chasing after a black disc shaped object?

"I guess I just got bored of it," says one former NHL fan. "It was just a bunch of back and forth skating. It made me yearn for the days before the Chevy Chase Show was canceled."

"I loved the finesse of the old game," says another former fan. "But when it got to the point where the NHL became even more violent than the World Wrestling Federation, that was too much."

Despite this oblivious setback, league officials are optimistic for the future popularity of the NHL.

"Chances are someone somewhere will accidentally stumble upon an NHL game in the next week," said Bettman. "Then we won't be singing the ratings blues anymore."

It seems no one told these guys the NHL was in the midst of a lockout and hasn't played a game this season. Apparently the league President and the many team owners would have no need for such trivial information. Millions of American's don't seem to care, why should they?

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1. by Andyleeds on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Its funny cos its true. but on the bright side at least the Avs didnt lose this week .. wooooo go Avs </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Avs? Blast you... Go Wings!"0" styl </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by Mel S. on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
The Maple Leafs would've won the cup already, even before the playoffs would've </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
4. by Ryan on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
NHL sucks Their is nobody watching because its boring?sid=1" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
5. by Scott on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Trouble shared is trouble halved,joy shared is joy doubled.? </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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