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NASA to Spend $311 Million to Destroy Harmless Comet
by Kris on 12/15/2004 (0)

Holy crap, what the hell is that?!?
This January, NASA will launch a rocket known as Deep Impact. The objective of this rocket is to fire a projective into the comet Tempel 1. If all goes according to plan, a collision will take place on July 4th and destroy a harmless comet, thus waste millions in taxpayer money for no particular reason.

"Most people at NASA will tell you it's for some sort of scientific research," said Karen Meech, a researcher from the University of Hawaii and one of the principal investigators on the Deep Impact project. "In reality though, we just wanted to blow some shit up."

The official word from NASA is that the impact will create a dust cloud that astronomers will use to study the chemical composition of the comet. They claim that comets offer a glimpse of the chemical composition of the early universe.

"That's the most absurd thing I have ever heard," said Dr. Ludwich VonDoosenstien, scientist at the Idiot, North Dakota Science Center for Science. "First of all, we all know comets are just alien garbage and offer no important scientific data. And second, we all know that the only thing that can destroy a comet is a giant laser shot from a base on Earth."

Dr. VonDoosenstien has been working for the past twenty years to create a replica of the laser apparatus used in the Atari video game Missile Command, thus protecting our Earth from deadly space debris. "I will one day save mankind," he often boasts.

"I've been a scientist for over thirty-five years," said long time scientist Dr. Henry Barr. "I have not learned one thing from a comet in all that time. If a man of my brilliance can't learn something from them, I highly doubt NASA ever will."

There has been widespread public outcry from Earthlings all across Earth against this cost heavy and seemingly unprovoked attack.

"There are plenty of other better things we could spend $311 million on," said another concerned citizen. "Nationwide Healthcare, feeding the homeless, clothing the clothless, and putting an end to Michael Bolton. There is a lot to do here, why must we waste our money in space?"

"We live in a society that is engrained with the belief guilty until proven innocent," said North Dakota police officer Dan Willis. "This comet has committed no crime, this is an unprovoked attacked on a peace loving comet and we must not stand for it."

Yet claims from the White House earlier today say that the comet may not be so harmless after all.

"Our sources indicate that the comet may be stockpiling weapons of mass destruction with the intent of staging an attack on the United States," said President Bush. "It is also likely that Osama Bin Laden is hiding on the surface of the comet, which is why he has evaded us for so long."

Despite the protests, the operation is still going to continue.

"We've already needlessly wasted millions, we might as well shoot the whole wad now," said Meech. "And even if we couldn't attack the comet, we'd find something else to shoot anyhow, something like the Moon or Canada."

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