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Tony Danza steals Christmas, Escapes to Mexico
by Mel S. on 12/7/2004 (2)

The Dark Side of Tony Danza rears it's ugly face and perfect smile.
In a shocking and completely unnecessary move, famed actor and all-around awesome guy Tony Danza stole Christmas away from the world and then fled to Mexico with it.

Yes, you read that right, Christmas is no longer going to be celebrated this year. All Christmas trees are to be burned, presents are to be eaten or properly disposed of, all Christmas cheer is to be replaced by depression and trauma, and Christmas carols are no longer to be sung, replaced by grim death marches and songs by Styx.

Why would such a gentle and caring man like Danza turn to holiday thievery? Well, a note left at the scene of the crime seems to provide clues into Danza's pure evilness. The message contained such strange and horrific lines as 'Christmas? More like Suckmas!' and 'Who's the Boss? I'm the Boss, and I'm stealing Christmas.' Did Tony Danza really have a dark side that no one has seen?

Former castmate Judd Hirsch thinks so. "Back when we were filming Taxi, Tony would always say how much he loved Satan, and how he wanted to steal Christmas in the year 2004. I never thought much of it at the time, but looking back, I guess it was a tad bit odd. Plus, he was always trying to shoot me with a high-powered rifle."

Dr. Raymond Keiland, a former psychiatrist for Danza, agrees with Hirsch. "I'm violating my rights as a psychiatrist by saying this, but Danza was a complete homicidal maniac. I mean, he was constantly trying to stab me, and he'd always leave threatening yet seductive messages on my answering machine. And once, he threw a stick of dynamite into my house! I didn't even know they made dynamite anymore."

But the madness doesn't end there. A source that wishes to remain unknown had this startling tale. "Tony Danza came up to me in an alley and said he had made a plate of spaghetti. When I asked him what he meant, he pulled a handful of spaghetti out of his pants and tossed it at the wall. Then he looked at me with this tough, menacing stare and said 'I've got some meatballs to go with that spaghetti.' What happened next was...horrifying."

With Tony Danza's insanity unchecked for years, it was only a matter of time before he'd steal a major holiday and escape to a foreign country with it. But will we ever get it back?

Benjamin Steele, a 43 year old year old supervillian who has stolen 3 holidays in the past, believes Christmas will never return. "Christmas is like the Fort Knox of holiday stealing. If you steal Christmas, you never give it back. You melt it down and then sell it on the Russian black market. I know people who would pay upwards of ten million dollars to get a slice of Christmas. If I know Tony Danza, and I don't, he's already sold Christmas to terrorists."

So on December 25, when you're burning your Christmas trees and singing 'Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto', remember this: Who's the Boss? Not Tony Danza...not Tony Danza.

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1. by Ryan on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Not only did you steal my picture but alot of the stuff from my ORIGINAL tony danza article that i sent you. you guys publish gay stuff like this but dont post my HILARIOUS articles? come on...tony danza "stealing" christmas? thats pretty bad"0" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
What hilarious article is that? I don't seem to have any others like this... nor would Mel have seen anything that I was sent and didn't post. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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