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Science Competition Winner Creates Gold from Particleboard
by Kris on 12/7/2004 (2)

There's nothing like the sweet smell of Nazi gold in the morning.
An 18-year-old West Virginia boy won his local high school science competition Monday by inventing a device that converts run of the mill particleboard into Nazi gold.

Aaron Goldenstien, a senior at San Watson School for the Gifted and Socially Inept, won a year’s worth of free Whoppers from Burger King, the top individual prize in the Louie Anderson Competition for Math, Science, and Food.

Goldenstien, who created a laser that can alter particleboard at the molecular level, began by developing prototypes using a stapler, old chewing gum, and parts from his 1978 Ford Pinto.

“He has taken an innovative application of alchemy, mixed it with a poorly designed automobile, and turned it into a highly profitable reality,” said judge and standup comedian Louie Anderson. “Now let’s go eat lunch!”

Goldenstien reportedly came up with the idea when he realized how poor his family was and how much the value of Nazi gold is.

“I was watching a special about Nazi gold on one of the TVs in Radio Shack last week,” said Goldenstien. “Nazi gold is worth more today than it was four hundred years ago at the birth of the Nazi regime.”

“While Nazis are typically considered terrible people for their mass executions of innocent people during World War 2, few will question their taste in gold,” said historian Thomas Walsh.

Current values of gold are estimated at over $400 per troy ounce. Nazi gold is estimated to be at least double this value due to its incredible rarity and unyielding purity.

Goldenstien’s home, which was previously made entirely out of particleboard, is now the world’s first home made entirely out of Nazi gold.

“Sure it’s in a bad part of town and the plumbing is pretty much shot, but how many people can claim to live in a solid gold house?” questioned Goldenstien.

Century 12 Reality is currently selling the home for a price of $11 billion, though it has yet to entertain any serious offers. When the home is sold, Goldenstien intends on buying his mom a new dress and some new shoes for himself.

“I’ve been wearing old boxes on my feet for years, it’s time to start living the good life.”0" sty

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