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The Tragic Lives of Middlemen
by Kris on 12/1/2004 (2) 
 | | Admitting you are a Middleman is the first step to recovery. | | For years, companies have been trying to cut out the 'Middleman', claiming this will pass along some sort of mythical savings to the consumer. They label the Middleman as a dirty three-headed monster that feeds off of inflated prices and consumer confusion. His greatest pleasure comes from lightening the wallet of a hardworking man. They say he hates babies and cute puppies and would kick his mother to the curb for a nickel.
"When people ask what I do and I tell them I'm a Middleman, I always get dirty looks," said Middleman Bob Randolph. "We've been portrayed as such horrible creatures but in reality, we're no more greedy than you or I."
Bob spends most of his days at home now, and has done so for the past ten years.
"It used to be great being a Middleman, I was the envy of all my former classmates," said Bob. "I went to huge Hollywood parties, I had lunch with Presidents, I even dated a Supermodel."
As retail sales slipped, retailers looked for a new method to stay profitable. They found that if they eliminated the use of Middlemen, they could offer their products at far cheaper prices.
 "The Middleman took a piece of our profits but offered no real services in return," said local storeowner Randy McQuarters. "It only made sense to eliminate him and then spread horrible rumors about his sexual ineptitude and his loose ties with Satan."
"Everything used to be great, but it has all changed," said Bob. "Now I get cursed at and spit on if I go out in public. I have no friends, my family disowned me, and the only sex I get is what I pay for, and I have to pay double for it."
Initial campaigns against Middlemen included Sears's infamous "Middlemen are the Devil" ads and the Office Warehut's "Middlemen Killed Jesus" smear campaign. Both campaigns and numerous others to follow promised lower prices to consumers if they shopped at stores that cut out the middleman and also that doing so would offer some sort of safety net from eternal damnation.
"As a long time consumer, I remember going to a Middleman years ago," said one local man. "Then I heard that Middlemen were responsible for explosion that destroyed the space shuttle Challenger. I never bought from a company that used middlemen again."
"I heard it was Middlemen that kidnapped Jimmy Hoffa and the Lindberg baby," said another long time consumer. "Man, I loved that baby. I could never go to a Middleman after that."
"No legitimate company would hire us anymore, I spent the better part of my twenties working for Dairy Queen," said Bob. "We had become worse than Michael Bolton."
These sorts of rumors have made life difficult for Middlemen like Bob. Most live from paycheck to paycheck and had to take on second jobs to support themselves and their growing cocaine addictions.
"Sweet cocaine is the only thing that has saved me from the harsh reality that I am making teenagers ice-cream cones for three dollars and twenty-five cents an hour," said Bob. "But cocaine isn't cheap, I have to clean five or six pools each day just to avoid withdrawals."
Despite years of hardships with no end in sight, Bob is still optimistic for t
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