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Your Questions 1
by Kris on 8/16/2002 (0)

Since inventing email here in the Smooth Operator labs in the late 19th century, we've received literally a million emails. Occasionally, we even read a few of these emails. Even rarer, we read and respond to them. This is one of those times. So just sit back and enjoy the figurative ride.
Thank you so very much for inventing the internet. I use it all the time. I get travel plans, I check my stocks, I even lookup my favorite porn stars home addresses and stalk them late at night! Did you ever think the internet would become so popular?
To answer your question, in a word, yes. When we discovered the internet during a routine dental checkup, it was obvious the unlimited potential it would have for the business and the porn industries. Later studies showed that it would also be beneficial to consumers at home, for information and porn exchange. A lesser group may have exploited this discovery for profit or for help in an election (nods to Al Gore), but we here at SO are a noble folk and decided that the Internet should be free to all people. Plus, if it wasn't free, it would not be nearly as popular as it is today. Studies have shown the many, many people are inherently cheap bastards.
I thought bathing with electrical appliances was very dangerous to do. But my ex-husband keeps telling me that it is perfectly safe. Who is right?
I think your ex is trying to play a cruel trick on you. It is a little known fact that electricity is quite dangerous. Think of electricity as a pool full of sharks, ready to attack. Any normal minded person would not go into the pool of sharks... unless they were some sort of Super Cop sent back in through time to kill a pool full of sharks. But the chances of that happening are pretty unlikely, almost as unlikely as Pat Buchanan winning a presidential election. A normal person would be ripped to shreds, torn limb from limb, and generally be killed. I suspect that this would be an outcome you'd rather not experience. So long story short, don't mix your electrical appliances and water, unless you want to be killed by sharks.
My house is on fire, what should I do!
Well, if you have a fire extinguisher, that's a good place to start. If it is too big to put out, follow your exit plan to get out of your home and go to the assigned meeting place. Then call the fire department to extinguish the fire. Seeing as this email was dated three weeks ago, I hope that you have had some luck before this reply was made or the fire could be a raging inferno now. For future reference, contacting Smooth Operator in the case of a fire should only be done if all other methods prove ineffective. We are not the most timely of people, nor do we have any equipment for fighting fires, although we are very experienced in lighting fires.
My car ran out of gas. Where can I get more? Or do I need to replace my car? My car is a 2000 model, does that mean it has some sort of jet propulsion system that will allow me to travel to the moon? I've always thought the moon would be a fun place to visit.
Don't worry friend, you won't have to replace your car. Alongside the road, there are places called "Gas Stations" that will have gas that you can put in your automobile, for a small charge of course. In fact, soon we here at Smooth Operator will allow you to buy gas over the internet! We will send you the gas in a small plastic bag we got from K-mart when the local K-mart went out of business. As for jet propulsion, sadly that is not an option on 2000 model cars, but I have heard rumors that some 2003 models will have this oft sought after feature. I believe you are a little confused on the model numbers as well. A 2000 model car simply means that it was made in the year 2000, nothing more. For example, the Mitsubishi 3000GT was made in the y

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